As a parent we always ponder the what if’s, if not’s , if so’s and everything in between when it comes to our children. Hell most of us do it with everything in life.
This entry has been a long time coming, but was inspired by my twitter buddy Mr. Strange. When it comes to diabetes any type really but let’s talk about type 1 we are told all the risks and complications associated with this disease. The endos tell us from the beginning “good control, healthy A1C’s and a healthy lifestyle (I read that as no drugs and alcohol), will lead to a long life with no complications from diabetes.
Well OK! That’s what we will do then. Justice was diagnosed 10/21/08, his first A1C I don’t even want to talk about. But from there after all we saw were 7.6, 7.1, and recently 8.1 twice. Endo was thrilled with those numbers , therefore so were we. We just have to keep up the good work, and teach Justice how to carry that out into adulthood and we will be set! Right?
Well lately I am hearing more and more about diabetics who have/had good control, good numbers and STILL are suffering from complications. For those who don’t know complications can include but are not limited to Retinopathy, amputation, heart disease, liver failure, and that’s long term. Things can happen now. Ketoacidosis, hypoglycemic seizures, coma, even death.
When I first read those words I felt like a piece of me died, my faith in god (I am sorry please don’t take offense I am just explaining how I felt at a certain point) was gone. How could a disease so ugly invade my child’s body let alone exist. I guess my point in all this is I am lately feeling consumed by this. I am sad, scared, angry and fearful for every moment of my child’s life. Why? Why did this happen to him? And how can I make sure that he stays healthy and happy. Hence, the blood sugar checks 15+ times a day, including 4 in the middle of the night, and all the other stuff I (and my husband) do. Some have called me obsessive, excessive, and some other not so nice stuff. But what would you do? How would you get through the day knowing his life is depending on what YOU do, and show him how to do.
How do I allow him to be a regular kid and go to a friends house? Nope hasn’t happened. and if up to me wont unless I’m there. How do I dare sleep through the night? Nope wont happen. How do I have time alone with my husband, who I haven’t been alone with away from the kids since dx? I feel I cant, I shouldn’t and wont. Yes I go out, enjoy my time with my friends as does he. But NEVER together, either me or my husband is always with him. I am in fear for every moment, every sugar, every bolus, everything that surrounds him.
The only thing I can do, and do without question is care for him, love him, and make sure I do everything in my power to keep him healthy. I want to show him yes you have a disease but yes you are normal BUT you have to be on top it. You have to stop and check, stop and eat, stop and correct. This is what you MUST do. ..But why?
“Why mommy?” This is the question I get when I explain why I check his sugar in the middle of the night, or take extra care of his feet or when he had to get that annoying eye exam. I answer. He responds, “What would happen IF I didn’t?” and the answer to that is what keeps me awake most nights, and wishing I was dreaming most days.
I am sad. I am scared. I am hopeful. I am honest. I am determined. I am strong. I am in love with a little boy, who has a disease that I would give anything to take away from him.