Wednesday, December 29, 2010

7,000

7,000 drops of blood. 7,000 numbers. 7,000 tears. 7,000 blisters. 7,000 strips, 7,000 calculations. 7,000 no's. 7,000 times I have dealt with a bg reading and a course of action. 7,000 times is a fuck load aint it?

Thats approximate of course. Some days are actually way more. Some days I actually lose count. Some days its all a blur.

With all those times you'd think I would get used to it huh? Or it wouldnt sting as much?

Nope.

Today was an amazing family day. But as much as I wanted to not let D interfere it did. Not in ways that anyone but a PWD or a parent of a CWD could get.

We hit the Grand Prix for some Go Kart racing. Justice wanted to drive his own Kart. He was tall enough. I knew he could do it. But I was terrified. If he went low while driving what would happen? Would he be able to grab his skittles and chew while getting my attention or would he pass out at the wheel? No its not a real car on a real highway but its my baby. I told him he had to ride with me and he broke down. He cried and I knew he knew WHY. So I let my fears go. I had just checked his bg 15 min before, he was 212 and I gave a small correction. I said a small prayer and off we went. I drove infront of him and hubs was behind as were our friends all watching him while we drove just to be sure. He did it. He rocked it. He was fast as shit!! I was so happy I could cry. But Im sure people watching at first were confused by my over protectiveness. Why was this mom saying no and then handing her kid candy? Why did she have a mini cooler on her lap? Did she just grab his pants? (securing his pump). Whatever. J kicked Ds ass. But trust me lady appreciate that you can worry as a mom should not that your child may die from a low you didnt see coming. Or that his lifesaving apparatus will get caught on the Kart somewhere and a site change will have to be done in those filty fucking bathrooms.

We enjoyed the rest of the rides and games as a family and Justice finished out at an awesome 135.

We then headed to Smashburger this awesome new burger joint. Bg was 144 and he had two kids meals. Which include 2 burgers and 2 orders of fries. Scale in hand I weighed the fries and swaged for the burger buns. At one point he let out a huge sigh as if he was full. A friend said Justice dont stuff yourself if your'e full its ok. I ofcourse interjected explaining that no he must finish everything on his plate as he was pre bolused. She felt bad but she didnt know. But I could see that look of an outsider who gets a tiny glimpse of our "normal". Then came dessert. A friend offered to buy the boys shakes but we declined. Dh and I agreed we didnt want to swag for a milkshake, that could end very badly. J was upset but he understood and let it go. I couldve easily said fuck it lets try but was it worth it? A low or high later would not be worth the taste of a shake right now. I had sweets at home ,they could have those. It was all good. No one was upset. But inside it hurt a little that I couldnt just mindlessly order up some malteds for us to enjoy. Stupid? Maybe. But unless youve been there you dont get it.

We came home and J was at 138 post dinner. I was beyond happy bgs didnt stop him from having fun today. He hopped in the shower and when he came out I massaged his hands with some lotion. I could feel them. Rubbing against my fingers. Tearing on my heart. I shouldnt of done it but I did. I looked down and saw the damage. My babies fingers were bruised and scarred with holes and rips. It was awful. Ugly. Scary. Damaging. Heart breaking. Soul ripping. Fucking sad.

All my worries. All my fears. All the things we deal with day in and day out with Diabetes was seen in his fingers. Everything my heart feels but cant verbalize was seen in his fingers.

If you look closely you could count it. 7,000 times.

7,001....not any easier.

11 comments:

Renata said...

Hey...sounds like you had a good day all around. Baby steps on the letting go...you can do it and so can he. Just remember he knows his body and have faith that you have trained him to watch out for "signs".

Reyna said...

The end. The part about the fingers. They sound like Joe's. It breaks my heart too... that part, the physical reminder of it all hasn't gotten easier in the four years I have been acting as Joe's pancreas.

Love you sister.

Great job on the carb counting and on an awesome day!

Pam said...

Sometimes it gets to you when you least expect it, doesn't it? Glad to hear he had so much fun racing! Great job blousing for burger and fries! Always trouble for me.

Hallie said...

Ugh. D sucks. I'm so glad that you had a good day and that he ROCKED the Race Course! But I know how much those "little things" can hurt - when you feel like such an outsider and so different from everyone else. And the fingers... It makes me ill. But our babies are tough. Toughest people I know... just think how incredible they will be - because of how incredible they already are!

Laura said...

What a fun day - I'm so glad you let him drive by himself. That had to be such a confidence booster for him!!

That part about his little fingers made me cry. I purposely never look at Nate's little fingers - I don't think I could keep it together!

Love you girlie!!

Lora said...

I hate looking at Justin's fingers. I think I avoid them as much as possible becuase they make me so sad.

I am glad you guys had such a great day.

htimm=) said...

So glad to hear you had such a great day!

The fingers, they get to me too.

Wendy said...

Wow :) What an amazing day...it's the kind of day you'll put inside your heart to save for later!!!! The kind of day that you'll come back to time and time again when you need something to pull you out of a hole.

The fingertips. Oh, it hurts...just keep holding and loving on them, because Mama's love defeats every last one of those little pokes.

connie said...

Hi there! I'm new to your blog and right off the bat you got me in tears :( It's ok though, my tears are tears of understanding and a feeling of 'same'.

I have two daughters who are 5 and 3 years old, they were both diagnosed with type 1 diabetes just 11 months apart from each other. They were dx'd at 2 years old and 18 months old and their tiny little fingers look like they have been to war and back with all of the little scars and pock marks from years of finger pokes!!! It breaks my heart every day.

(((hugs)))

Looking forward to getting to know you and your family more.

Luv,
Connie

Penny said...

An amazing day and you are an amazing mom Lexi! The fingers tell the story - of how many times you have loved him enough to test and to care. Flip the switch on it - the fingers tell the story of love, not hurt. You are amazing and Justice is amazing and carrying on and living, go-karting, loving each other. There is the celebration, there is the joy.

Donna ((Sweet Momma)) said...

this post really got to me.
thank you for sharing about your amazing day, filled with great numbers and good times.
thank you, too, for keeping it real, for echoing the thoughs and feelings that have plagued us all so often when we are out and about with our D kiddos.
You are a great mom, and you did a GREAT job balancing D and fun that day! =)

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