Tuesday, December 21, 2010

Ahh 1 C...

This post is in two parts. This was written Sunday 12/19/10

I always get worried.

I always get scared.

I always go over every reading over and over.

I always go through the log books and scrutinize my actions.

I always feel worried that my best is not enough.

I always think its gonna be bad.

I always hope its what we want.

I always allow myself to get consumed by it days before.

Other days Im fine. I see a number, correct/treat and move on.

I basal test every 8 weeks.

I change ICs at first sign somethings not working right for reasonable period of time.

I adjust basals after days of testing and logging every single thing.

I eliminate foods that we just cant get a handle on.

I find subsitutes for foods which wreak havoc.

I work hard.

I dont sleep.

I want Justices future to be complication free.

I want to be the best at all I do and that includes being a pancreas.

I fight to get my son all of the best technology to aid us in this.

I allow Justice to be part of his care but still allow him to be a kid and never ever worry about his bgs.

I see my son is happy.

I see my son is thriving.

I see my son doesnt let Diabetes define him.

I see that doing the job of an organ aint no easy feat.

I see that even when doing our best Diabetes can be a huge motherfuckin douche bag.

I see that its just a test not a judgement.

I see that I cant allow to Diabetes make us feel defeated.

Yes I see all this.

But yet I still allow it to consume me.

Tomorrow is our endo appt. Today I write my thoughts and feelings on the A1C results. Our first using the Ping. I feel like Justice has been doing better than ever. Yet I am scared shitless those growth spurts and 10 days on a fuckin boatload of antibiotics will do us in.

We are using a new meter remote thats about a month old now. So how accurate are the averages? I also know from last time meters arent always accurate for this purpose. All the false highs due to unwashed hands and or repeated tests.

I know in my heart I did my best but sometimes I feel its not enough.

Did you know I rarely SWAG? I weigh everything. Everywhere. I dont allow one uncounted bite to enter his mouth . (Unless low ofcourse).

We check Js bgs every 2 to 3 hrs. Everyday.

I know I am not slacking. I know none of us are. Yet we beat ourselves up over this test every 3 months. So as I write this I contemplate do I post his newest A1C?

Do I succumb to its bullying?

Does anyone reading my blog even give a flying fuck?

Does it matter in the large picture?

Ill let you know tomorrow.
So tomorrow came and we get to the endo. Only to find out that the appt was Tuesday not Monday. Did I mention we showed up on the 15th only to find out it was rescheduled but they didnt have my new number? and Biggahs was off for a day. Ugh. Is this Gods way of telling me to stop stressing the A1C or preparing me for it?

I dont know. Last night we had our first bad site in a long time. There goes our good A1C. Seriously Lex? Youre fuckin insane.

I NEED TO GET A GRIP! On our way to endo now. Insert dry heaving here.

3 Months ago Js A1C after using the Spirit for 12 weeks was 6.8. There were alot of lows.

Today after 12 weeks of being on the Ping lows are reduced and his A1C is 6.9

Why am I still obsessing?


Stacey D. said...

I think the reason we obsess is because we are "judged" by this number. Whenever someone wants to know how diabetes is managed, they ask the a1c. Although it's a partial sign of what's going on bg wise, it's not a full picture. Keep that in mind. And 6.9 is good!!

Lora said...

Stacey is right, people ask for that number (other doctors etc...)
I don't want to be judged any more than I already am. Thats why I obsess... I think?!?

6.9 is a bitchin number :)Good job guys!!!!

Penny said...

You are an awesome Mom and Justice is a lucky, lucky boy. A1C of 6.9 rocks and honey, it's only a number :0)

Deanna said...

I think you are doing your very best for Justice. I'm still new at all this D stuff, but 6.9 sounds pretty good. I will tell you not to stress, but I'm pretty sure that'll be easier said than done. Just know that you are taking care of your boy better than anyone else ever could.

Joanne said...

Awesome number! I always wonder why I obsess too... it's just what I do. And I do it well!

Great job, Momma-pancreas!

Reyna said...

Yep, I stress and obsess too Lexxi. I would love to tell you not to stress...you have been working your hardest...you are on it...you study the logs...you tweak...you wait...you study...there is nothing more you can do. I can tell you these things, but it won't alleviate your obsessing because you care for and love your child more than anything and you want to do the absolute best by him. So, I'll tell you this...I admire your tenacity. I admire your knowledge base. I admire your dedication in managing "D" in your son's life. I admire the way you nurture him and allow him to be a "kid". I understand why you obsess. I do too.

I love you and an A1c of 6.9%!!! WOOT...You showed that mother fuckin' douchebag "D" who da boss is girlfriend!!!! xoxoxo

Laura said...

Oh My ---- that is a wonderful a1c! You so totally rocked it.

I firmly believe it is just a number but that little number means SO much!

Celebrate With Us!