Disappointed. Confused. Let down. Pissed. Blech.
I have been looking for work since I got laid off. So has dh. Our home is equal opportunity. Meaning whoever gets offered the best job will work and the other will stay home with the kids.
He has some call backs. Fingers crossed. I had 2 promising interviews, one I actually was told I got and then upon further research it was bullshit. Too good to be true.
Clearly the need and want for a job is simple. Umm we need to pay rent, bills, car insurance, extra strips, clothes, you know ummmm to live! But there was an excitement and hope that came when I thought I had gotten one of those amazing jobs. I would be able to cash pay for the Dexcom. Yup. Thats how amazing it was. I didnt think oh now we can celebrate xmas or get a new car or get the boys bikes or other things I wish we could do. I thought DEXCOM!!!
My want for it is pretty basic. I want to see trends. I want to stop/catch/see food spikes that hit us like a frying pan in the face. Id like to sleep longer than 2 hours straight a night. Better control. More understanding of what his numbers are doing. Im aware its not perfect but Ive heard more good than bad so lets leave it at that.
I even made calls to reps and endos office to find out about a trial. Thats when I was told Dexcom doesnt do the trial its the endo. They cant because its not approved for under 18. Our endo would have to own one and allow us a trial. And I was told ours doesnt. Still waiting for her to let me know but unless its a bg issue she doesnt always have time to call back right away.
I had figured I could work it all out but now that that job was a fluke or whatever whats the point. I cant afford Dexcom when we barely can make rent right now.
As I type this dh is on his way to a second interview and while it wont be enough to cash pay for Dex I PRAY he gets it and things can get back to "normal".
Funny actually when I went on one of my interviews it was at a mansion. No seriously like Mtv Cribs. I thought I would leave feeling shitty, and sad that I cant give my kids a house the size of a mall and a yard that we could run laps around. But I came home loving my house more than ever. They had no pictures anywhere on the walls or mantles, no sign of a family living there, no life in that house. Shit no love. I have that. And God I appreciate it so much.
But I cant pretend I dont wish I could go xmas shopping with the other moms, or take the boys out to a movie just because, or not have to say ok we payed rent so theres no gas for the car. We have never been rich by any means but we have been ok. Like we can stay on top of rent and bills and once in a blue treat ourselves.
It used to be good. I used to make gooood money on the strip but since the recession and job cuts its all gone to hell.
Since Justices diagnosis its been harder too. With scheduling and only 1 of us being able to work. I dont know the point of this post anymore.
I guess Im just stressed. A lil sad. Alot nervous and a chunk of dissappointed.
I contemplated hitting send. Cause this post isnt 100% Diabetes related. But I need to get it out. I need people to understand so they can stop annoying me with senseless, bullshit. None of you but you know.
I think more than anything Im disaapointed and feeling scared.
k Im done for now.