Friday, March 4, 2011

Before It Began...

I'm not sure where this all came from. All these feelings are pouring out me and I cannot contain them. This started as a post for my other blog, and then became THIS. Since I cannot discuss D on the other blog, here I am.

I was originally just writing a post on how much I love my boys. How although sometimes I am like please leave me be, I need a break, I cannot imagine life without them. I already posted today on how I miss my husband, its written over there.

I am tired all the time. So hence I have less patience. If Justice comes and says "Mom, I'm low", or "Mom, Dex is alerting high", or its time for a bolus, or site change, or one of the other trillion things Diabetes demands of me I CANNOT say, "not now". So I find myself saying this at other times.

It makes me fucking sad. I am mad. I am angry as fuck that I am so drained. I want to just be MOMMY! I want to just be the funny, crazy, mama who who would have burping contests, dance and jump on the bed until our legs hurt, chase them around the house until they would laugh to tears, eat big bowls of ice cream in bed and watch movies.

These things are not as easy now. Eating everything requires bg checks. Jumping on the bed, now always turns into a terrible low and a drained Justice. You cant plan when to jump on the bed ya know? Load up on carbs set a temp basal and then we can jump. Get the fuck outta here. Wheres the spontaneity in that?

I miss things. I miss life before 10/21/08. Not all of it. But most of it. (I don't know what I would do if I never met my amazing DOC friends, you have all become family and that for I am forever grateful).

I miss life before it began....

Justice Love born 10-17-02 

Synsyre Love born 4-8-05

Justice at almost 2

Synsyre at 2

Summertime fun Justice at 5 
Synsyre 3, Justice 5 and mommy in love

He is such the lil lover; Synsyre

Jumping up down, no worries of a low

Synsyres birthday, baking a cake, no worries of a high.   

Our 1st vacation as a family, just 8 weeks before dx

Enjoying just being...

Not a care in the world. 

Justices 6th bday, 4 days pre dx. 

 What I wouldn't give to go back in time and tell myself  "CHERISH EVERY MOMENT".  All of it. every  spill, every boo boo, every cold, ever morsel of foods, every moment of swimming, every simple stomach virus, every night of sleep.

Things you didn't realize mattered before, or you just considered a normal part of your day, are now things I yearn for. Things I wish I could experience again.

If just for one day. Id like a day with no D. A day for me and my boys to just have fun, laugh, love, and not have to stop!

I haven't had a day like this in a long time, and I'm sure the lack of sleep this week (more than usual) is making me way more emotional than usual, but this is how I am feeling right now.

I miss life..before IT began.


Dawn @ Sugar Free Candyland said...

I hear ya honey! Just yesterday on our drive to the dentist, I was telling my husband basically this very same thing. In fact, I was telling him that I was thinking about making a blog post about it as well LOL! But, I was also telling him that if nothing else, the ONE THING, the ONE POSITIVE THING I can find out of this "new life" (other than our amazing DOC family!) is the fact that, although our kids do have to go through all these things, and although we may have to plan ahead on treats, or even not let them have those treats as often or whenever we want to let them... when they DO get those treats, the look on their faces... the pure enjoyment, enthusiasm, wide-eyed-bushy-tailed, eyeballs-the-size-of-saucers look... makes up for the sheer exhaustion we as d-moms put ourselves through, the emotional rollercoaster we the parents AND the kids go through, the battles with schools, the insensitive comments, etc. I think, that one minute (or hour, depending on how long our kids decide to "savor the moment" LOL!), I think wipes away all my tears of anger, frustration, sadness that I have allowed to build up inside me over this stupid fkn disease. Those moments, are the moments I cherish. Because, let's face it, without D, our kids wouldn't get AS excited over those bowls of ice cream, handfuls of M&Ms, and cupcakes with icing! They cherish the ability to have these things from time to time, while we cherish the excitement written all over their faces when we give it to them. Before D, we wouldn't have that. Sure, we'd have some of the same memories, but, I think because of D, it makes us remember those moments longer than we would if D wasn't a part of our lives.

Reyna said...

*Deep Sigh*

And a...

"Me too".

Honestly, I can barely remember Lexi what it was like. It seems like a lifetime ago...thousands of BG checks ago....millions of carbs ago....hundreds of site changes ocean of tears ago.

This is a beautiful, heartfelt post that will touch so many. Thank you for sharing it with us.

Reyna said...

P.S. look HOT in that swim suit!

Lora said...

I find myself saying no at other times too. Drained is an understatment. If I have a few "free" minutes... I just wanna lay down.

AND you DO look hot in that swim suit ;)

Laura @ Houston We Have A Problem! said...

Holy Crap - I have a blog post in my drafts about the same thing. I'm going to link it to yours!

And yea - MILF on the beach!

Laura @ Houston We Have A Problem! said...

Oh and I had to come back to say that your boys are so beyond cute -- I can hardly stand it.

J's hair --- to die for!! Seriously super cutie patooties!

Shannon said...

What beautiful, happy children! I'm happy they have you.

Joanne said...

Me too, Lexi... me too. I always feel so ripped off because Elise was so young. I can't even remember what it was like anymore.

Jen said...

Oh Lexi..your post made me cry. I yearn for the before too..And is AWFUL that spontenaity (sp!!!!) is pretty much non existent with D..from jumping on the bed to just grabbing a coat and going somewhere without a care. I am having an emotional week myself ...big hugs to you!

And the boys..oh my goodness..just beautiful and adorable..both back then and now!

Denise said...

Super cuties!
I didn't realize how close in age our kids oldest was born 12/02 and second 2/05. AND our diagnosis date was 10/29/08 but it was our middle guy.
Anyhow, I totally miss those carefree days and would give anything to have them back (even just a day of no worries)

Renata said...

I have to be honest with you...I don't remember life before Kelsey's dx. I only been her mother for a few months...Marty of course I remember. We all feel you honey..and I hate that we all know how you feel.

And Justice's hair in the 2 year picture...just beautiful.

Jules said...

i just cried like a baby. its all pretty recent for us. i wish for simpler times too xx.

Hallie said...

Me too. Sometimes I cry because I can't remember life before. :( Sometimes it just really hurts.

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