I'm not sure where this all came from. All these feelings are pouring out me and I cannot contain them. This started as a post for my other blog, and then became THIS. Since I cannot discuss D on the other blog, here I am.
I was originally just writing a post on how much I love my boys. How although sometimes I am like please leave me be, I need a break, I cannot imagine life without them. I already posted today on how I miss my husband, its written over there.
I am tired all the time. So hence I have less patience. If Justice comes and says "Mom, I'm low", or "Mom, Dex is alerting high", or its time for a bolus, or site change, or one of the other trillion things Diabetes demands of me I CANNOT say, "not now". So I find myself saying this at other times.
It makes me fucking sad. I am mad. I am angry as fuck that I am so drained. I want to just be MOMMY! I want to just be the funny, crazy, mama who who would have burping contests, dance and jump on the bed until our legs hurt, chase them around the house until they would laugh to tears, eat big bowls of ice cream in bed and watch movies.
These things are not as easy now.
I miss things. I miss life before 10/21/08. Not all of it. But most of it. (I don't know what I would do if I never met my amazing DOC friends, you have all become family and that for I am forever grateful).
I miss life before it began....
|Justice Love born 10-17-02|
|Synsyre Love born 4-8-05|
|Justice at almost 2|
|Synsyre at 2|
|Summertime fun Justice at 5|
|Synsyre 3, Justice 5 and mommy in love|
|He is such the lil lover; Synsyre|
|Jumping up down, no worries of a low|
|Synsyres birthday, baking a cake, no worries of a high.|
|Our 1st vacation as a family, just 8 weeks before dx|
|Enjoying just being...|
|Not a care in the world.|
|Justices 6th bday, 4 days pre dx.|
What I wouldn't give to go back in time and tell myself "CHERISH EVERY MOMENT". All of it. every spill, every boo boo, every cold, ever morsel of foods, every moment of swimming, every simple stomach virus, every night of sleep.
Things you didn't realize mattered before, or you just considered a normal part of your day, are now things I yearn for. Things I wish I could experience again.
If just for one day. Id like a day with no D. A day for me and my boys to just have fun, laugh, love, and not have to stop!
I haven't had a day like this in a long time, and I'm sure the lack of sleep this week (more than usual) is making me way more emotional than usual, but this is how I am feeling right now.
I miss life..before IT began.