Saturday, April 16, 2011

Recap and Memories of While They Play...

48  hours of endless double downs, ONLY  if he plays. I've given snackage, lowered basals, under bolused, but activity and J seem to a dwindling spiral of chaos (literally.)

Last night  AFTER I posted about the lows he had during the day, I inserted a new sensor and laid  down with the  boys.

Shortly after start up, when  I heard a low  alert  I thought, no way is this sensor working that  fast! We  had JUST  entered 2  bgs. 98, and 89.  Well. he was 87 double down.

Bg check: 70. Good job Dex. I grabbed some soda,  and had him chug chug in  his sleep. All the  while he  is smacking me.  I feel the tears building up. I text Biggah, while I wait to recheck.

But then Dex alerts..50 double down. I recheck even though its only been 7 minutes. 56.  I opt for  a lil cake frosting in his cheek. Fuck it. Ill correct a high later.

Same thing  happens  again. 47 DOUBLE DOWN! Bg check 46. FUCK! I  start shoving frosting down his throat, all the while prepping  myself that we may need glucagon. I even disconnected the pump.

I run and grab the glucagon and clutch it tightly.

J wakes. He knows whats going on. I prefer he be awake, sleeping and low is  scary. No way  to know if  hes asleep still or  passed out!

Dex beeps  again. LOW  DOUBLE DOWN.  I am now on the  verge of  tears. More frosting.  More  Praying. He says his tummy hurts,  I rub it. We agree if hes not in the 60s in 15 minutes, we  will do a mini Glucagon. He's fine with that.

Finally he hits 78! Praise God. I let him eat a Nutella sandwich, milk, and Goldfish, He was so pale, so drained. He finally goes to sleep, Dex now shows 90 double up. Fine give me a double up at  this point. Ill  take it.

Of course I corrected highs till 5am, but my baby woke up with me this morning, and that's all that matters.

No  clue what happened. New infusion site, but same vial of insulin, same foods, same activity. Some times  D just does what it wants I guess.

While I "slept", I kept remembering how things used to be. Actually J reminded me while we were up chatting.

Before D...

 I would smile while they play.

I would laugh while they play.

I would inhale the fresh air and moment of quiet in the house, while they play.

I would talk with other moms while they play.

I would gaze into my husband's eyes, loving the moment we could share, while they play.

I would join in, chasing  them around the house, intoxicated by their giggles, all the time thinking how well they will sleep later on, while they play.

I would prepare an array of snacks for my hungry boys to ravage, while they play.

Id grab some juice,or water to quench their thirst, while they play.

I would egg them on to  race each other, and run faster and  faster, while they play.

I may even catch up on the phone with my sisters or brothers,  while they play.

I would catch a second  to rest while they play.


I  RUN for juice while they play  and stop their play.

I ask what Dex says, while they play.

I adjust basal rates while they play.

I scoop a lethargic J off the grass, while they play  after they have tried to play.

I  clutch the Glucagon, just in case, while they play.

I feed the IOB while they play.

I worry how low  J will drop while  they play.

I pray he wont drop while they play.

I have cried while they play because I  have had to stop their play.

I have counted carbs, compiled snacks,  and planned hours ahead while they play in hopes they could  play.

I shove candy down J's  throat while they play.

I run outside to make sure J hasn't collapsed, while they play.

I ask them to slow down, and perhaps take a break, while they play.

I worry about how low he will go tonight, meaning  no sleep, while they  play.

I am always a Pancreas while they play.  

While they play,  I wish  they could JUST PLAY.

Again today..while they played...double downs..followed by double ups which stop midway, and go right back DOWN. We are ready to get off this ride!! 


Nikki of Our Diabetic Warrior said...

My heart is just breaking for you two today. Please let Justice know that I'll be praying for him tonight. I'll pray that you both can get a good night sleep with stable blood sugars.

Denise said...

not a fun ride to be on...hope things smooth back out SOON!! thinking of you guys tonight.

Wendy said...

(((hugging you tight)))

This road is long...hard...and confusing.

Looking back is always difficult...longing for the days when we took so much for granted.

Justice will play. He will swim, run, jump, and race with his friends. He will own this beast, because of the amazing spirit that lives inside.

Alissa said...

Oh boy...I'm so sorry for you guys - you must be so exhuasted. I will pray for you all this evening and when I'm checking on my babe throughout the night.

htimm=) said...

((hugs)) for both you and J. So sorry Lex! Ducking fiabetes!! I hope things get better soon!

Heidi / D-Tales said...

D better cut you and Justice a break tonight and over the next week! You deserve it!!! ((HUGS)) said...

It's been a while since I've let the tears fall and they are streaming down my cheeks. I hate the part about this disease that doesn't make any sense; that steals those moments that should be enjoyed; that takes the twinkle out of our children's eyes and makes them grow up too quickly.

Reyna said...

The "Play", I think that is the most difficult part is that "D" steals a part of their childhood from them and this is one of those aspects....amidst it all..."D" is there.

I hope Justice had a more "stable" BG night last night Lex. You need some sleep girl AND Justice needs to feel better without sooo many lows.

You do such an amazing job by your kids Lex. I am amazed daily by your wicked pancreating abilities.

Angel said...

Lex, Im so sorry you guys are having such a rough time. I know you are tired, angry, worried, etc. As hard as it is, stay strong for your boys & ur hubby. U are amazing! This will get better just keep doing what you have to do & keep praying. Love ya

Angel said...

(this is under my husband's acc, I thought it was under mine. -Dolly)

Roselady said...

Sounds pretty terrible. Hope you figure out what's going on soon. The good thing is at least you have a dex to let you know what's going on behind the scenes. I'm so thankful for the dex.

busymom said...

Bless your heart, that is a TOUGH night! I hope you get some rest tonight and some control. I hate that feeling that you are doing the right thing, but D is not fair. : ( Sorry.

Misty said...

Oh wow! I missed this the other day and even though I already read your post following this one, I still was so tense reading this. The part where you were clutching the glucagon just waiting to see if you were going to need it made me cry. I'm so sorry that you and especially J had such a rough few days. :(

sfincham said...

You have said it just perfect...while they play. It's a huge job that D. It's such a damn production to just go play...ugh. I hope the lows subside soon. Loves and ((hugs))

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