Monday, May 9, 2011

Dear Justice. Letter writing day - D Blog Week Tuesday 5/10

Dear Justice,
Oh Juicy Bear, where do I begin?

I have so much I want to say but I dont know where to start, and where to end.

First let me say you are truly a gift from  GOD. You are sweet, smart, affectionate, loving, compassionate, empathatic, and truly one of the best souls I know. I say this not because I birthed you but because its  true.

I always dreamed of what your childhood would be like when you were in my tummy. What color your eyes would be, whos hands you would have, if you would be as tall as dad, would you get my freckles, what your favorite subject in school would be,  you know normal mommy things.

I never worried about  your health. No scratch that. I always worried,  I always took you to the doctor at the first sign something was wrong and there never really was.

So on October 21, 2008 when you were diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, I felt as if I somehow failed you. As if your immune system, and Islet cells malfunctioning were a reflection of me as a parent.

It took me a year to realize it was not my fault that you got Type 1. And  it would be my mission to keep you safe. To keep your D under as much control as possible. To give you the best technology and management I could. So that when your wife ha sa your first baby youre healthy, you can see her or him, hold them, run with them, and be the father and man I know you will be.

I see you smile. I see you laugh. Play.  Joke. Dance. Be silly.  It swells my heart with happiness to see all these things.

But I also see you cry. Moan in agony from a low, get so angry and frustrated with a high. The jello legs, the headaches, the nausea, the lethargia, the anger, the not being able to play when you want, eat when you want, having to stop and do things that I wish werent part of your normal day to day routine.

Some days seem easier, for you (and me).  Numbers in range, you feel good. We sail along. Others...not so much. Lows. Stopping you from playing outside, or dancing around. Highs that make you feel isolated, and like  you want to hit something.

Do you want me to do anything differently? Am I being the best Mama pancreas I can be? Or that you need me to be?
Are you happy? Whatever you need from me I will do my best to make it happen.

Can I tell you something?  For me as your mother, the one who loves you more than the sun, moon and stars, and would give her life for you...it tears me apart. I wish everyday it was me in ICU not you. I would give you my pancreas if I could.

But. I also want you to  know I wouldnt  change a thing, if it meant not having you. I cant imagine my life without JUSTICE LOVE. GOD  knew what he was doing when he gave me you. And gave you,  me.

I hope that  everyday, no matteer how hard, you see the good, and wonder of life. That you enjoy every minute of it. That you never let D define your happiness, and self worth.

You are my hero. You are my inspiration for everything I do. I have no doubt  in my mind, that you will grow up  to be something amazing, well you already are...

So if I could ask one favor, its that you love your life. D or not. Never worry about life without D. Because   no matter how hard some days are, I KNOW that  you are  a  zillion times stronger than this bully we call Diabetes. Life IS good. You can make it what you want it to be!

And you know how I know this? YOU taught me that. You showed me the strength, I am trying to show you. Cool huh?

And remember no matter how old you  are, where you  are or what the circumstance, I will  ALWAYS be here for you. D or not. You will never be alone.

I carry you in my heart, now and forever.

Love always,
Mommy


* I was more candid here than I would be with Justice, but wow it felt good to get it out!

26 comments:

Heidi / D-Tales said...

Pass the Kleenex! This was a tear-jerker! But in a good way! Beautiful, heartfelt letter!

Heather said...

God bless you and your little man!! <3

Sherry said...

Oh, Lexi! This is just beautiful. I loved reading this!
((HUGS)) my friend.

Mike Durbin said...

Lexi, this is just beautiful and so very heart felt. Pass the tissues my way when your done with them.

I'm so very proud to call you and Justice my friends, and admire you for all that you do.

Lots of Love, my friends!

Renata said...

I agree with everyone else, just beautiful! Yeesh...now I kinda feel bad for calling my kids names...kinda.

Penny said...

Beautiful letter to a beautiful boy! You are an amazing Mama honey!

Crystal said...

xoxoxoxoxo to you both. You're both equally Amazing and so full of AWEsomeness.

Glad to know you. One day we will meet. That means a *pump bump* Justice. :-)

Much Love, LF!!!

Cara said...

You've made me cry before I've even gotten out of bed this morning (darn smart phones). Justice will thank you. And I'm sure he knows how much you love him, even if he doesn't quite understand it yet.
You just keep doing your part until he can start to do his. You are fantastic mom & an amazing pancreas.

Heather said...

What a beautiful letter to Justin. You are a wonderful mother! ((hugs))

Lora said...

Beautiful! You are an awesome mom. I am so blessed to e=walk in this journey with you.

Michael Hoskins said...

Yes, without a doubt: you're a wonderful mom and this is such a kleenex-warranting letter to Justice. I know he'll grow up appreciating every single thing you've done, even if it might not seem like it at the time. You are doing good. Keep it up! Thank you for sharing this.

Reyna said...

Beautiful Letter Lex!!! Justice knows ... and there will never be a question or doubt in his mind ... if you loved him enough or if you let him down in any way. You are one of the Queen Mama Pancreas' in my book girl.

Vivian said...

Awesome mom, kid and letter.

Nikki of Our Diabetic Warrior said...

Beautiful post Lexi!

Kris said...

That was beautiful. You are such an awesome mom. And I'm sure your boys agree!

Michelle said...

What a beautiful post. I think this expresses how so many of us parents feel. Thank you for sharing!

Kimberly said...

that was beautiful Lexi!!!!

Denise aka 'Mom of Bean' said...

glad you were able to 'get it out'
that's what we're here for! :)

meanderings said...

What a wonderful letter to a wonderful son.
You're obviously an awesome mom with tons of love.

Cherished Children said...

Honest and heat-felt. Thanks for sharing.

Joanne said...

This was really beautiful Lexi... I hope one day you will show it to him.

Laura @ Houston We Have A Problem! said...

Justice is the luckiest little boy EVER! I love the way you love him and am so happy that you are haring your feelings.


Love you!!

Nicole said...

What a beautiful letter and I know that I have never said this before but I'm sure you have heard it before that kid has a great smile :) You are a great mom!!

Jess said...

i need more tissues- STAT!

this is absolutely beautiful, lexi! i am almost speechless! i really hope you save this and show it to justice someday. he needs to see it.

love ya!

Nan said...

tell it like it is, mama...well done!

maddy said...

I love blogging. You all express your feelings the right way, because they are your feeling, focus on your blog it is great.

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