This is not a feel good, happy go lucky, yay me, kinda post. You've been warned.
I know, I am aware, I get it, that Diabetes is unpredicatable. It swoops in and fucks things up when you least expect it. It makes you frustrated, scared, angry, confused and emotions that may not even have any words for it yet. But I've sure as hell felt them.
39. I don't like that number. That number leaves Justice feeling "like I'm trapped in a bowl of jello and can't get out".
But when that number occurs just 5 minutes after an 86, just 15 minutes after he consumed a cookie and a juice box, and 40 minutes after I turned his basal down...well that scares me to my core.
It was like reality just hit me in the face. Over and over again. Dex had a sensor error 1 and we were waiting for it to catch up again so I couldn't rely on it, so I kept checking him every 15 minutes until he was over 100.
But it wasn't 15 minutes yet. I wasn't checking him yet. He felt it come on. He felt like his body just went through hell and back.
He collapsed on my bed, holding his hand out to me saying "check me NOW!". Of course I did.
When that reading came on the screen, he was scared. He didn't understand how it all happened so fast, and after all those carbs and no basal. I didn't either.
The what ifs ran through my head last night. The fear of hypos came back to me, thoughts of Hallie's nightmare, thoughts of life before, life now, and I broke down.
I lied in Biggahs arms and just cried. It was now almost 1 am. The kids had finally fell asleep. Justice was scared to close his eyes. Synsyre was comforting him. The house was not as it should be.
I let him run a little higher last night. He needed sleep and so did we. Even with that I checked him every 2 hours. Watching him turn, breathe, talk in his sleep, smile. I thanked GOD everytime he did.
This disease can tear you down. It can make you feel so unsafe, so unsure and ruin a moment in the blink of an eye.
Its been almost 3 years and I am at a point now where the mechanics of it..well I got it. Site changes, cartridges, ketones, sensors, carb counting, all the craziness that can occur when swimming or eating pizza..I got that. I'm not scared anymore of the HOW TO's of it. I've mastered that shit. I feel good about it. It sucks. Its not the normal we used to have but we make it work.
But seeing my child hurt, fearing the worst, wondering if he will wake up in the morning, if he will have his eyes as an adult, if him and his brother will resent me for always being tired and let's be real sometimes a bitch due to all the stress, if he will pass out when I'm not there, have a siezure in his sleep, feel like its too much for him, or like he's been too much for me...those feelings? They are with me. I don't share them often, don't speak of them much with others, I let the world see my tough advocating mama pancreas self.
Why? Cause we must. For our kids. For our spouses. For the world to know Diabetes cannot stop them from reaching their goals and being anything less than they would without D.
But its there.
When I'm partying with my friends? I check my phone every 5 min to see if my husband text me with a bg.
When I sleep thoughts consume my dreams, until my alarm goes off every 2 hours to ensure its not a reality.
When I see Synsyre staring at his brother crying or getting poked with a needle.
When he's in school and the teacher intentionally leaves him out.
When we are online to eat and he's crashing, and a stupid ignorant bitch pushes past us to pay even though she heard manager say please come now.
When my friends complain of exhaustion.
When other kids can swim without stopping
While the movie theatre is filled with children just inhaling popcorn without a care in the world.
While I watch my supply of sensors diminish no clue where more will come from.
When my son only 8 asks me "why?" "Why do I have to live like this? Its not fair mommy".
When simple things become complicated I long for the days where I didn't give it a second thought.
But I keep on. We keep on. There is no other option.
As I watched the You Can Do This videos, I thought damn right we can!
But I really wish we didn't have to.