Thursday, July 14, 2011

Standing Still and Going Fast.

Be in the moment. Work on THAT number. Don't let it overwhelm you or cloud your mind. Don't get swept in the emotions of it all. Remember not to take it personally.

HOW?

How do you do this? Can you do this everyday? All the time? Do you get swept up?

Can you live in the moment?

I can sometimes. Other times I wonder...how can I live in the moment when that moment compiled with the other ones can change the course of our future.

I've discussed this before. The thoughts of what can happen with repeated highs or lows at night. I know the what ifs. We all do. We try not to dwell on them or allow ourselves to become consumed.

Most days I don't. But sometimes....

Sometimes...

I feel like a failure. Even though I know its not my doing.

Apparently the healing process (Justice got stitches last week), causes insane high bgs. 300s everyday. Well I never. Not since MDI anyway.

I see him feeling awful, wanting to eat a carb loaded meal, or read a book without a headache. But he can't. His mind and body aren't how they should be.

I take a step back. Correct, comfort and calm him. We move on.

But when those moments occur everyday for a week, I wonder what mark they will leave later. Will they damage something needed?

People don't truly realize how much our bodies need insulin. Not just to eat. But for everything.

These moments are awkward in my mind. As time is standing still, and the number on the meter feels like an eternity, it also somehow moves time rapidly to his future.

All the moments of now are connected to the moments of "when".

I can't avoid it. I can't change it. It makes my days longer, and my nights endless.

The mechanics of management don't consume me anymore, they are our normal.

But the moments of now and how they affect "when".

Well that's what makes time stand still yet move faster than I could think.

And sometimes the "trip" makes me sick.

11 comments:

Lorraine of "This is Caleb..." said...

Hugs hon. Sorry about the stitches. I hope he's doing okay. I have to read backwards to get back in the loop and find out what is going on!

Shelly said...

Lexi, I can TOTALLY relate.. I'm not diabetic, but mine is like his. My body needs calcium just as bad as Justice's needs insulin. Nobody realizes that your heart, muscles, NERVES need calcium to function, it's NOT just for bones and teeth... I can relate to the constants ups and downs (in my case, downs) and how you worry about the damage it can/will do later. I have lost all feeling in my two big toes so far. Nerve damage. Totally numb from being too low for months on end.. Had no idea.. I stubbed my toe pretty bad a few months ago, lost a toe nail and had no idea.. DH saw the blood on the floor.. Never even felt it. Doctor said it will continue up my feet/legs.. talk about SCARY. I can relate. Hugs to you Mamacita.

Lora said...

Easier said than done, I know, but we can't stress over what MIGHT happen. All we can do is our best to focus on today. Enjoy what we can. while we still can.

Hugs to you twin :)

Valerie said...

I know what you mean! Sometimes with a high, I shrug, correct and move on. Other times I stress out wondering what those highs are doing to my body. I even wonder when I'm in the 160-200 range! I know that doesn't even sound so bad as a diabetic, but I know it's not "normal" and so I wonder how my body is responding to those "non-normal" numbers. I guess there's not much point in stressing out too much to the point it overwhelms you and you can't move forward!

Meri said...

I totally get it. The underlying worry about what will happen if...what is this number REALLY doing to him?

I don't know how to shut it out, but somehow I can go days, even months without letting it consume me. I guess it all comes down to knowing we are doing the best we can.

We can't do better than our best. Hugs!

Denise aka 'Mom of Bean' said...

I so hear you, Lex! Sometimes those numbers can fade away from my thoughts as soon as they disappear from the meter, other times they linger and make my brain work double overtime!
I hope the healing process picks up so those BGs can let J be J!
HUGS!!

Hallie said...

I think you're so right - it's the emotion that really takes it's toll. The mechanics become routine... the emotions rarely do. I'm glad he's healing and I'm praying his numbers will get back "normal" (what is normal, anyway) soon!!

Holly said...

I know the fear of When does wear on you, but you are doing the best you can, and 300's are not a bad grade. There are other factors at work-don't blame yourself. Praying the stitches heal, and your life goes back to (the new) Normal. Hugs to you!!

Reyna said...

BUMMER on the 300s with the stitches Lex. I find a string of highs can make me SNAP! I hate highs. Hate 'em. They aren't always easy to correct. (((HUGS))

shannon said...

ugh, i totally know how you feel.

your post touches on something that hit me last week at FFL. i've got a post about it percolating in my head. hang in there.

Wendy said...

One minute.

Yeah. I live in it.

But while I'm there, I'm considering variables, thinking about the numbers, and contemplating what might come next.

Because all of it follows me every minute that I'm living.

Celebrate With Us!