Sunday, September 4, 2011

Fear.

I'm not sure if any of you watched my You Can Do This video, but I touched upon the subject, a little bit in there.

I have always been a lil...well, over the top. I have always been the hovering mother, anxious that a cough was more than a cold, or a headache was more than stress.

But I could turn it on and off.

I could relax.

Enjoy the moment, and not over analyze things.

After J got diagnosed, all of my deepest fears and anxieties became magnified by 1000.

Justice saw his pediatrician just 6 weeks before going into DKA and being diagnosed as a Sudden Onset Type 1.

No one said a thing.

No one saw a sign of anything wrong.

Sudden onset is exactly what it sounds like. It happens in the blink of an eye.

My fear?

That something else will happen in the blink of an eye, and I won't be able to catch it.

I obsess over hand washing.

I google any symptom or thing that occurs to me or the kids.

I check my own sugar weekly.

I have gone to the ER more than 5x since dx because I was certain I was ill.

I'm constantly in fear.

Checking all of us for lumps, moles, bruises, ketones, yellow eyes, weird stools, anything that may indicate illness.

Its overwhelming.

Its frustrating.

Its lonely.

We got a puppy, and I can't even enjoy him. I'm scared to let the kids play with him till he sees the vet, in fear they will catch worms or some illness.

I was never like this.

Ever.

I fear something else happening to my kids.

I fear something happening to me, and not being here to take care of them, especially J.

I fear Biggahs type 2 will become insulin dependent.

I fear.

I fear.

I fear.

Its exhausting.

Diabetes came into our lives with no warning, no time to prepare, it almost took my son.

I know that I couldn't prevent it, or stop it from happening.

But I feel responsible none the less.

So now I'm constantly preparing myself.

So nothing else can swoop in.

But I'm so caught up in THAT, I'm missing everything else.

10 comments:

jennaspetmonkey said...

I know what you mean. It’s hard not to feel fearful when we’ve already experienced something as traumatizing as our child developing a chronic disease. You must be so tired, Lexxi! I hope writing about it helps you to overcome some of the fear. xo

LuvMyElyssa said...

I just went to the dr. Thurs. told him I want to do blood test on me to get checked out for everything. He said I had to be specific. I said everything isn't specific enuff??? LOL

Heidi / D-Tales said...

I completely understand where you're coming from. I'm not constantly in fear, but always in the back of my head is the thought that another diagnosis could happen. We've had one and we could have another. A child's diabetes diagnosis doesn't just change the way you live and parent, it changes the way you think.

Reyna said...

I think that is what floored me in the beginning. The ability of something to shake my confidence in my family's health down to the root. Diabetes did that. It has gotten easier, but it has taken me a few years to get to that point. Love you Lex. xo

Roselady said...

Sorry you're feeling like this. It's a hard place to be. I struggle with some of that stuff, too. Worrying about the next health predicament. Tho, it didn't necessarily start because of our diabetes diagnosis. I think when you love your family so much, and love where you are, you are constantly worried about something that is going to take that away. I think this is common. There's a picture painted by a saint, Sr. Faustina, and she had a vision of Christ which she drew. Under it is the phrase, Jesus, I trust in you. Sometimes, when I struggle, I think of this. Amy

Meagan said...

This post rang so true for me. My life changed drastically in the "blink of an eye"...one minute I was a healthy 18yr old, then BAM - Diabetic for life. I too turned a bit obsessive after that, with the handwashing, worrying, etc. I can relate to you with the fears. Hope it gets easier. Try to focus on the positive things you have, all the beautiful blessings, and the people who care about you. ((((Hugs)))

Tracy1918 said...

I don't know if you're a Christian, but your post reminded me of Isaiah 41:13.

"For I am the Lord your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I wi help you."

I am praying for you!

Laura @ Houston We Have A Problem! said...

I am so sorry you are going through this ---- it has to be exhausting. I wish I could take it all away from you. Loving you!!

Jessica said...

Step away from the google!!!

No, seriously, I've always been a worrier. And when I began to worry something was off with Liam and I WAS RIGHT-- I couldn't let go of anything. What if I'm right again?

Everything you described. Oh, the google. Sometimes I delete my search history because it just looks too ridiculous. I find when stresses are higher for me, it's worse. We've had legitimate health issues come up- swollen lymph nodes, moles, irregular heart beats- and they've all turned out to be minor. I know it isn't always so, but it's important to remind yourself that the odds are in your favor.

At my best, I remember that if something does happen "in the blink of an eye" that I want that much more for every moment to be lived to its fullest. I want my kids to see me as fun and involved, not stressed out by with my laptop worrying myself into a frenzy.

Love you girl. Just breathe.

Hallie Addington said...

Boy, can I relate. Sweets had her 3 year well check a about 4 weeks before dx. They said she was fine. I knew something was up. When i said i was afraid it was T1, I was told that I worry about everything. But guess what? I was right. And that almost makes it worse. Now my worries can't just be dismissed. I worry about the same things. I do. Sometimes it gets the best of me. It has made me crazy. Made me sick. Made me so very tired. I get it. I have no advice. I just get it. ((hugs))

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