Sunday, December 4, 2011

The Lonely Shell...


Sigh. Where to begin?

First I feel so bad that I haven't written in almost 2 weeks nor have I been able to comment on blogs. I'm reading as much as I can. But it seems like time is just not on my side.

I am back to working full time now. 8am to 4pm. 5 days a week. Opposite schedule of my hubby. Which makes for ZERO time together. ZERO me time. ZERO breaks. ZERO sleep!

Well we never really get a break do we now...anyway...

Between work, getting The Blue Heel Society up and running (Diane and I have been beyond busy!), the kids, homework, cleaning the house, being a pancreas, and my new eating life style (4 food allergies. Not fun), I am beat!

I feel exhausted and emotionally drained.

There are so many amazing people around me (95% online) but yet I feel so lonely.

You know when you walk on the beach how shells always cluster together? But there's always that one shell on its own, away from the pack? That's how I feel.

I feel like I've lost my sense of self. I'm cranky, I'm drained, I have zero patience and zero time.

Diabetes consumes so much of our lives that are already insane, I feel like I don't get a moment to just NOT think.

I need dead air.

Just the sound of the ocean kinda.

No numbers. No beeps. No computers. No bill collectors. Just quiet time for me and my thoughts (or sleep, vodka, a date with my man!  Ya know).

Kinda feeling in a rut.

I know my family is in a better position now and everything I do, I do for them.

From the crazy work schedule to my Fab Blue Heels.......

I'm just trying to find a little something for Alexis.

Some time with friends would be great. Family (I miss them so much) isn't close, so it feels especially lonely around this time of year. I feel isolated and lost some what.

This is a whiny post I know, not the one I had planned but apparently my fingers felt the need to let it out..

I guess I'm experiencing burnout. Which makes feel so selfish for saying since I'm not the one with D! I wanna cry just writing it. What kinda shitty mom am I to even type that. Id take on D in a heart beat if it meant J would be cured. But I can't. I fucking can't.

So I have my burnout + his on my shoulders I guess.

D complicates so much in our lives. Dictates our work schedules, our date nights (well lack thereof), our having to explain to people why you can't put your cell on silent EVER, if we can go to sleep, stay sleep or get any sleep, if we have to spend the day worrying about our child at gym because he's been having a lot of random lows, you get it. D. Shit.

I feel sometimes it pushes me away from others, other things, things I want or need to do but can't.

I can't help but wonder if not for Diabetes would my shell be closer to the others or still so distant.....


Nikki of Our Diabetic Warrior said...

I've missed you! I actually looked through my past posts last night to see if I missed one of your posts. I haven't been posting regularly, but have been lurking around.

I'm so sorry to hear that you're feeling lonely and burnt out. Did you post about your food allergies? What are you allergic to? Since Andrew's honeymooning, the celiac is more of a pain in the butt for us. It really makes things challenging, especially around the holidays.

Hang in there Alexis. You are a strong beautiful woman!

Kelly said...

Whiny is A-ok for me! I'll take my D moms as they are... No glitter please :)

Im in the same place right now too Lex, you should take your quiet time and know that in no time you will have yourself back. ((HUGS))

Amanda said...

Whinney is ok, sorry you're in a rut, we all get that way sometimes. Don't feel bad! Hope you get out of your rut soon. Sending D-Mama love your way!

Wendy said...

GURRRRL...I feel ya. Oh the rut I've been in!

I haven't been able to peruse new adventures...or blue heels :)

I can feel myself getting back into the game though...and I know you'll get back in the game too.

Your shell won't ever be alone as long as my shell is close ;)

The DL said...

I JUST wrote about this too. It's so true. I hope we are both able to take a mental breath and come back stronger!

Rachael said...

Sometimes all it takes to make you feel better is to let it out or rather type it out!

Michael Hoskins said...

I'm so on that same page... totally need the ocean air and sounds. I've missed reading you too, my friend, and hope things level off and get back to being balanced before long. Seems like there's a lot of this going around the DOC lately, and all we can do is co-miserate and look to the future. You rule, by the way. In case that wasn't obvious.

Anonymous said...

Hard to be cheerful with sleep deprivation; no time to catch up with sleep when you are back to work full time and hubby working opposite shift. Hope you can get a family member, friend or mother's helper babysitter to help you out so you can either catch up on a few hours sleep or relax on your own away from home. I think that is key. Impossible as it is sometimes to find help; we need it. You have to take care of yourself because so much rests on your shoulders.

victoria said...

I'm so sorry to read this, but I understand to an extent. And you should NOT feel guilty about having burnout. You have diabetes! You treat it, manage it and deal with it day in and day out. The only thing you don't deal with is how it makes you feel physically. You definitely feel it emotionally. You are strong! You can do this! Put on your heels and keep walking. You are amazing Alexis!

Denise aka 'Mom of Bean' said...

Feeling you, Lex! Even in a group of friends I can feel like I'm totally isolated because of D.

Celebrate With Us!