*WARNING NOT A GLITTERY, UNICORN PISSING RAINBOWS KINDA POST*
Sigh. Where to begin?
First I feel so bad that I haven't written in almost 2 weeks nor have I been able to comment on blogs. I'm reading as much as I can. But it seems like time is just not on my side.
I am back to working full time now. 8am to 4pm. 5 days a week. Opposite schedule of my hubby. Which makes for ZERO time together. ZERO me time. ZERO breaks. ZERO sleep!
Well we never really get a break do we now...anyway...
Between work, getting The Blue Heel Society up and running (Diane and I have been beyond busy!), the kids, homework, cleaning the house, being a pancreas, and my new eating life style (4 food allergies. Not fun), I am beat!
I feel exhausted and emotionally drained.
There are so many amazing people around me (95% online) but yet I feel so lonely.
You know when you walk on the beach how shells always cluster together? But there's always that one shell on its own, away from the pack? That's how I feel.
I feel like I've lost my sense of self. I'm cranky, I'm drained, I have zero patience and zero time.
Diabetes consumes so much of our lives that are already insane, I feel like I don't get a moment to just NOT think.
I need dead air.
Just the sound of the ocean kinda.
No numbers. No beeps. No computers. No bill collectors. Just quiet time for me and my thoughts (or sleep, vodka, a date with my man! Ya know).
Kinda feeling in a rut.
I know my family is in a better position now and everything I do, I do for them.
From the crazy work schedule to my Fab Blue Heels.......
I'm just trying to find a little something for Alexis.
Some time with friends would be great. Family (I miss them so much) isn't close, so it feels especially lonely around this time of year. I feel isolated and lost some what.
This is a whiny post I know, not the one I had planned but apparently my fingers felt the need to let it out..
I guess I'm experiencing burnout. Which makes feel so selfish for saying since I'm not the one with D! I wanna cry just writing it. What kinda shitty mom am I to even type that. Id take on D in a heart beat if it meant J would be cured. But I can't. I fucking can't.
So I have my burnout + his on my shoulders I guess.
D complicates so much in our lives. Dictates our work schedules, our date nights (well lack thereof), our having to explain to people why you can't put your cell on silent EVER, if we can go to sleep, stay sleep or get any sleep, if we have to spend the day worrying about our child at gym because he's been having a lot of random lows, you get it. D. Shit.
I feel sometimes it pushes me away from others, other things, things I want or need to do but can't.
I can't help but wonder if not for Diabetes would my shell be closer to the others or still so distant.....