Sunday, January 15, 2012

A Repost. I Miss It...

I posted this over. 6 months ago....I guess being back to work fulltime and working opposite schedules of Biggah is taking an emotional toll.

Why reblog? This says it all...

I'm not sure where this all came from. All these feelings are pouring out me and I cannot contain them. This started as a post for my other blog, and then became THIS. Since I cannot discuss D on the other blog, here I am.

I was originally just writing a post on how much I love my boys. How although sometimes I am like please leave me be, I need a break, I cannot imagine life without them. I already posted today on how I miss my husband, its written over there.

I am tired all the time. So hence I have less patience. If Justice comes and says "Mom, I'm low", or "Mom, Dex is alerting high", or its time for a bolus, or site change, or one of the other trillion things Diabetes demands of me I CANNOT say, "not now". So I find myself saying this at other times.

It makes me fucking sad. I am mad. I am angry as fuck that I am so drained. I want to just be MOMMY! I want to just be the funny, crazy, mama who who would have burping contests, dance and jump on the bed until our legs hurt, chase them around the house until they would laugh to tears, eat big bowls of ice cream in bed and watch movies.

These things are not as easy now. Eating everything requires bg checks. Jumping on the bed, now always turns into a terrible low and a drained Justice. You cant plan when to jump on the bed ya know? Load up on carbs set a temp basal and then we can jump. Get the fuck outta here. Wheres the spontaneity in that?

I miss things. I miss life before 10/21/08. Not all of it. But most of it. (I don't know what I would do if I never met my amazing DOC friends, you have all become family and that for I am forever grateful).

I miss life before it began....

Justice Love born 10-17-02 

Synsyre Love born 4-8-05

Justice at almost 2

Synsyre at 2

Summertime fun Justice at 5 
Synsyre 3, Justice 5 and mommy in love

He is such the lil lover; Synsyre

Jumping up down, no worries of a low

Synsyres birthday, baking a cake, no worries of a high.   

Our 1st vacation as a family, just 8 weeks before dx

Enjoying just being...

Not a care in the world. 

Justices 6th bday, 4 days pre dx. 

 What I wouldn't give to go back in time and tell myself  "CHERISH EVERY MOMENT".  All of it. every  spill, every boo boo, every cold, ever morsel of foods, every moment of swimming, every simple stomach virus, every night of sleep.

Things you didn't realize mattered before, or you just considered a normal part of your day, are now things I yearn for. Things I wish I could experience again.

If just for one day. Id like a day with no D. A day for me and my boys to just have fun, laugh, love, and not have to stop!

I haven't had a day like this in a long time, and I'm sure the lack of sleep this week (more than usual) is making me way more emotional than usual, but this is how I am feeling right now.

I miss life..before IT began.


Joanne said...

me too Lexi... me too.

sky0138 said...

right there with you...:o(

Anonymous said...

Miss it too. Seems like a dream; can barely remember it. Maybe one day.... Maybe if not a cure at least Smartinsulin, safer insulins key. Maybe they won't have to micromanage highs or lows if they were not dependent on this drug as it is presently constituted. Working full time, you must be tired. I do too but have 3 day schedule. Hope you adjust to your schedule or can find a reduced or compressed schedule. For myself, after about five years my body really did adjust to the lack of sleep and I don't need too much. But it did take five years to get to that point. Bittersweet post. Take care of yourself as much as you can... know with full time work it is very difficult. P.S. Your boys are adorable.

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