Saturday, May 5, 2012

Overwhelmed.

People have been amazing. Asking me how I am feeling, what is actually wrong, and what is going on. Let me say thank you. Thank YOU.

I can feel it. Everyday. Lurking inside of me. It hurts. It burns. It aches. No matter what I do or don’t do its there. Somedays so bad I cant go to work, and I can't talk without gagging.

I have been diagnosed with Leaky Gut Syndrome.. “The official definition of Leaky Gut Syndrome is an increase in permeability of the intestinal mucosa to luminal macromolecules, antigens, and toxins associated with inflammatory degenerative and/ or atrophic mucosa or lining. Put more simply, large spaces develop between the cells of the gut wall allowing bacteria, toxins and food to leak into the bloodstream”.

Yea. Its not fun. Its like having a case of food poisoning all the time. Some days really bad some days minor. But you always know that there is something wrong. I have went to 2 regular MD’s both said “IBS”, don’t eat this, don’t eat that and take tums. WOW. The functional medicine doctor I am working with has put me on a program to rebuild my gut and help repair me. Herbal supplements, vitamins, minerals, a special diet and lots of probiotics and enzymes. I am hopeful. Eager. Excited. And cannot wait to feel better. Between this, Justice’s Diabetes, my Hashimotos and my Adrenal Fatigue I am fucking exhausted.  I mean the world doesn't stop for illness.  Work, rent, homework,  dinner, opposite work schedules, all still there.  My out of wack hormones makes everything magnified...

And as you know,  Diabetes doesn’t care when my tummy hurts, or when I am trying to rest. It acts up. It hurts my baby and that hurts me even more. That’s why blogging hasn’t been happening, why my Blue shoes aren’t posted everywhere, and why my Facebook posts come in spurts. Even my tweets. I am still very active in the DOC, in JDRF, in all things Diabetes. Don’t ever think for one minute this mama has stopped spreading awareness because I have NOT. Never will. I fight the fight everyday, without fail...

Just some days are easier to get through than others. I pray for a cure for all illness, all disease, all things which cause pain and suffering. Its bullshit. All of it. Theres so much more I want to say. Scream from the top of my lungs and let out but when I do its just....tears.

I try and smile through it all,  be strong and let other lean on me and be everyones rock, but the truth is somedays I feel like. I'm drowning. Like life is swallowing me whole.

I'm cranky, I'm angry, I'm not understanding why everything seems to happen at once, why things have to be so hard.

I don't like who I am when I'm tired and feeling ill.

I'm tired of my body hurting, tired of feeling imbalanced and on edge.

I'm tired of Diabetes.

I'm just fucking tired.

Its not fair to my babies, I hate it.

Id do anything to change it. To fix it all.

And I am doing my best to do that, I am. Following all doctors suggestions and guidelines.

Putting my kid first, diabetes second...

Just some days....

I'm

so

overwhelmed.

4 comments:

thisiscaleb said...

Oh Lex. :( What is going on? I feel like this kind of thing is becoming the norm - medical issues abound in the DOC and I'm not talking about D! ENOUGH ALREADY!

I'm glad that you have some direction. I know what it's like to have tummy trouble and no one know what to tell you and to get the generic IBS dx. I hope the rebuilding works.

Nevertheless, you can't take a break from everything else in your life. You just have to add this to the heap and keep chugging along. You can do it hon. You and your support team there - YOU CAN DO IT!

sky0138 said...

my heart hurts for you hun....:o(....sending you strength and hugs!

Amanda said...

Hang in there, hope you'll find some sort of balance soon. I'm freakin' overwhelemed a lot of the time and all we have here is the nasty D, none of the other stuff. Luck and Love

Kristin said...

As if the big, bad D weren't enough! We've had patches like that, too, where other family health issues add to the already incredible stress. Glad you've got a good doc! Hope things get better!

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