Where my eyelids droop and I can feel the tear ducts overflowing.
Where I can't bare to think of another finger poke, site change or low.
Where I don't understand how and why we are here.
Why my sweet baby was given this disease, and what the purpose of it really is.
Sometimes it takes all the strength I have to make it though the day without crying.
Some days worse than others.
I fear another diagnosis.
I fear another disease.
I fear every sickness, every ailment thinking something is always more wrong that it is.
I fear having no supplies.
I fear that we don't have insurance.
I fear losing my son in his sleep.
I fear that he feels robbed of his childhood.
I fear that I am not the same person.
And you know...
I am not.
In some ways I am stronger than I ever could have imagined.
In some ways I am braver than I ever was.
And in every way I have learned the true meaning of courage and strength through my son.
But there is stil that small dark corner of my heart that cries, and yearns for the before.
I know its not possible. I know this is our life and new normal and after almost 4 years I should just make peace with it.
But when my son asks me why him? I can't help but wonder the same thing.