Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Why So Heavy?

This was not an easy thing to do. I almost didn't post it. Thank you Katrina Huckabay, George Simmons and Michelle Litchman for the push to hit publish.

This is as raw as it gets. No make up, no hair did, in my PJs, and exposing a side of myself only a few have seen.

Here goes everything.


Mike Hoskins said...

We love you, Lexi.

So many incredible hugs and positive vibes your way.

I don't know what you're going through, but I hear you on the "feeling trapped" sense... that just compounds everything. I went through some dark times myself, and completely stopped taking my thyroid meds, and that just seemed to make it all worse - like I just couldn't deal with anything. Not the same, I'm sure. But maybe a little, as far as feeling like you aren't being true to yourself and wearing a mask.

All I know, is that you have a community of friends who are here, no matter what. You are doing an AMAZING job and it's so clear that you are making a difference and touching lives.

So, thank you for all the you do. I hope that can maybe help shine a light in some of the dark times, when needed.

Stephanie said...

Big hugs, Lexi. You are so brave and honest and I so admire that. You are really not alone...I have anxiety too and while I tried to get off of Lexapro last summer, I just realized that I needed it to be a better me, so 2 months ago, I went back on it. Sometimes I need to step away from the internet too - I can relate to taking one symptom and all of the sudden thinking that my daughter has an autoimmune disease too. When you are touched by a chronic makes you more aware sometimes, almost to our own detriment. (((hugs)))

Sarah said...

Big hugs and love from this celiac/d-mama in Minnesota.

You have helped so many of us with your words and stories. Thank you for sharing happy times and dark times too. We all can relate in our own way. Some days loving our families and feeling our insane vulnerability can feel like too much.

You are beautiful--- make-up free and pj-wearing! I hope you feel some relief and rays of warm sunshine soon. In the meantime, I hope you can feel a little lighter from all the love around you in the D-OC. xo

Denise aka Mom of Bean said...

**HUGS** hugs and more hugs!
It sucks when your body turns on you and makes your crazy. I deal with anxiety and depression, and it's amazing how much others can miss and don't know what's really going on. Sometimes that's good because you don't really want them to know what's going on, but it's also not good because then you feel like no one understands and you are even more alone.
Know that we are all loving and supporting you. Know that there is not once ounce of judgement. Know that you truly are strong and can handle this and are an amazing woman.
Sometimes it just takes the right combination of meds...that's what's helping I hope your doctor's appointment brings some answers!

Karen said...

You are so beautiful, inside and out, regardless of makeup and hair styles and what not. And you are strong, you are so strong. Worry and anxiety and illness do not take any strength away. A person who wasn't strong would never be able to share all of that. I hope sharing it lifted some of the weight from your shoulders. I wish I could take some of the stresses away from you. I love you!!

Lora said...

I don't read; because it makes me nuts. Even when im told to... No way. For every bit of good info out there... There is doulble the bad. That in itself is dangerous.

I can't begin to know what it's like to battle the anxiety, but I think you are beautiful and strong. Even stronger than I could imagine being and I love you bunches.

Now go get you a big ol bag of ant killer and kill you some ants :)

Cara said...

Sweet girl, I wish I could hug you. ((((hugs))))

Princess LadyBug said...

Oh my darling Lexi! How I wish I was there right now. You ARE stronger than you think. Being strong doesn't mean you don't get scared or freaked. And it damn sure doesn't mean you don't cry. It means that no matter what, you keep going. And that my darling is what you do. You are there for everyone. Your boys, Biggah, your friends, your family, & this odd collection of strangers linked by diabetes & the internet that we call the DOC.

You are AMAZING! Never forget that. Ever.

I love you to the moon & back, baby!!

Scott Strange said...

Dammit girl, I love you to death. It takes one hell of a lot of strength to post a vid like that


Lee Ann Thill said...

I wish I knew something to say that would ease your anxiety and struggles. All I've got is that I'm sending you love, and while I know you have tons of online support, I hope you find the support and treatment you need offline.

k2 said...

"You are braver than you think,and stronger than you know," and the fact that you shared all that your going through proves that.
And we love & support you always,

Scott K. Johnson said...

Super big hugs to you Lexi. I can see the weight you're bearing, and it looks damn heavy.

You know if there is ever anything I can do to carry some of that for you, you got it.

Much love to you and the crew.

Denise said...

I have never wanted to crawl through a screen and give someone a hug more than I did watching that. You ARE strong and beautiful. You just proved it...with tears, no makeup/hair and all, just honest feelings. Love to you and yours.

sky0138 said...

Just saw this now Lexi and I had to say that you are incredible. You are strong and brave and amazing and I am proud of you for sharing this for any and all who can relate. BIG HUGS!

Pearlsa said...

((HUGS)) thank you so much for sharing.

Reyna said...

Ahhh Lexi...your words and courage help so many. AND. You are gorgeous inside and out. xo

George said...

I cannot tell you how important this Vlog was for so many.

I know worry but I can see how different it is for you and it breaks my heart.

Your courage is astounding. Just posting this is HUGE! I love you so much, you and your family. I wish I lived down the street but I am just down the 15!

I'll be praying for you, for your family, for all the strength you need, and the people who will be there for you when you feel weak.


Nikki of Our Diabetic Warrior said...

Lexi, you are NOT alone! Before I begin, I want to thank you for your courage and raw emotions.

As you know, I have hashi's too. Before I was diagnosed many years back, doctors kept telling me that I was depressed and needed to be on anxiety medicine. After my diagnosis was finally made and I was on thyroid medicine, I started to feel much better.

I just posted the other day about the scary times with diabetes. I think the hardest thing with being a parent of a child with diabetes is that you can't control it 100% of the time. It leaves you extremely vulnerable. We know the bad things that can happen with diabetes so our natural instincts as mothers is to go to those places in our minds that we shouldn't. You are a mother that cares deeply for your children and will do anything to protect them.

I'm a googler as well when it comes to searching symptoms. My best advice as well is to step away for awhile from the computer. It will do you a world of good.

As a Christian, when I'm feeling vulnerable and having anxiety, I pray. I ask the Lord to take every worry from me and just blanket me with his love and protection. When I give everything to Him, my anxiety decreases as I'm reminded that He is in control, not me. He understands all of your feelings Lexi and loves you unconditionally!

Remember, you are not alone! Sending HUGS!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

I understand your pain, but remember this - there are many people, like me, who have been living with T1D since we were wee children and we have great lives! Yes, everyone has something that they have to deal with, and for me (like Justice) that's T1D. I was diagnosed when I was 3 and am 33 now. I grew up an otherwise healthy kid and am now an otherwise healthy adult. I went to college and grad school, had many successes, and now have a great job. All in spite of T1D. Living with T1D has, at times, been tough, but in some ways it has made me tougher and a more accomplished individual. I do everything with a bit more passion than everyone else around me and I even think I'm a bit smarter and healthier BECAUSE of T1D! It's not all bad. And while I know something else bad can happen, I've made the conscious decision not to sit around, worrying, and waiting for the other shoe to drop. There's only so much within my control and that's the part I try to focus on.

Penny said...

I love you Lexi. Just as you are. Just as you are, right now. I love your courage in posting this. I love you for who you are. You are not alone, sister. You are not alone.

Heidi / D-Tales said...

"veelog" or "vuhlog"--no matter how you pronounce it, it took courage to post it! So proud of you! I am sure you will help others with it, and I'm sure you will find comfort from it. Love you!!!

Scott S said...

I'm slow in getting to all my unread posts, but I concur with the rest of the community. Let me throw this out there. As Anonymous noted, a number of us were diagnosed as kids ourselves and have lived great lives so far. For me, I've calculated that 83% of my life has been with T1DM. I'm sick of it, to be sure, but I do think things look better for people diagnosed in recent years than they were when I was diagnosed. In any event, I wish you the strength you need to endure this and handle it! Remember, burnout happens to everyone (caregivers included). Its part of living with a chronic disease. Just be sure to see assistance from others if you feel the need, its always OK to ask!!

Lorraine said...

Hugs, babe. Maybe you'll get some peace after next week. Sorry I won't be there to hang out! :)

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