Tuesday, July 17, 2012

Falling.

I try hard not to lose myself in the sadness and heartache that so often comes with diabetes.

I used to all the time.

Now I try and see beauty,the blessings and the amazing family it has brought into my life.

But then there are nights like last night.

Justice went back on his pump and was excited, as was I. I missed the ease of bolusing, the temp basals and the iob was the hardest part being without.

I reconnected his pump, skipped Lantus and set a temp basal of 0 for 5 hours to avoid lows, because I know Lantus can linger for a while.

Well the first thing that happened was a 300 double up which showed a 159 on the meter, umm yea wtf.

I got confident and closed my eyes only to be awakened by a double down confirmed by a 90 on the meter. Pump was still at a 0 temp basal so a quick stick and juice is what it took to get him up. Dex couldn't catch up and then ??? appeared for a good 2 hours. I literally checked him every 2 hours on the meter and every hour on Dex. Numbers were fine until 6am but I continued checking Dex and the meter every 2 hours, at 6am he was 54.

20gc and he was 40. It took almost an hour to get him to 80. I am now exhausted and ready to vomit, I called out of work because I knew I couldn't function and he wasn't out of he woods.

Hubby got home from work around 5 and was beyond exhausted as well.

Justice lingered in the 70s for hours and then finally 120 and we were able to nap,until he woke at 65.

Breakfast and half a bolus and he is finally showing an arrow up on Dex.

Are you spinning from this story too?

Somedays hell most days I keep swimming, keep focused and treat the number and move on. But when I literally am fighting to keep my sons sugar up and scared to close my eyes because of that terrible thing us D parents never want to talk about, I start falling.

Into he rabbit hole, lost in a world consumed by diabetes, by the fear of losing my son in his sleep, or a low bringing him to his knees and I'm not there to help him.

All I see around me are strips, meters, pumps and shots an endless story that we are all living every day. The no end in sight, no it will be gone soon, no absolute assurance that everything will be ok.

It scares me. It hurts my heart and has damaged my mind in a way I can't explain.

I watched him sleep, knowing inside his body was fighting and I felt like a helpless soldier who no matter how hard I tried could only tame the beast but not get rid of him for good.

Today was one of those days, where we both were falling, and diabetes was the reason.





3 comments:

Denise aka Mom of Bean said...

Sending hugs, big big hugs!!

Hoping things level out and everyone can rest easier tonight!!

Princess LadyBug said...

((((((Big Hugs))))))

Love you both SOOOO much!!! What am I saying?! I love ALL FOUR OF YOU! Wish I was there to take my turn on watch. One day. I know it's going to happen. :)

Sara said...

I know it is tough to hear and I hate it when people say it to me when I don't want to hear it (BECAUSE IT IS TRUE)

Look at the bracelet on his wrist -

HE can do this!
YOU can do this!

We will all continue to fight hard to do this together!!

Celebrate With Us!