Saturday, August 4, 2012

Finding my words...

If you cant deal with someone venting or having a bad day, keep on. I am human and some days I break down. Today was one of them. 

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of feeling anxious. I'm tired of not letting my kids be kids. I'm tired of not being a just a wife. I'm tired of not being just a mother. Im an axious mother and anxious wife. I'm tired of not being able to sleep. I'm tired of when I do sleep I dream of the what ifs and what nots. I'm tired of seeing my children hurt. I'm tired of wondering whats going to happen. I'm tired of feeling helpless. I'm tired of the highs. I'm tired of the lows. I'm tired of Diabetes.

Every day is filled with the same thoughts, and feelings. I'm consumed by it. Ive lost sight of everything else. I know there is more to life than this, but how do I go about living normally when I fear the life of the most precious thing to me. I have so much love in me to give, so many smiles to share, so much laughter and joy to spread. I feel like Ive forgotten how. I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a woman. Aren't i? I am more than a external pancreas am I not?

How do I stay calm? How do I not get flustered and cry in the bathroom at work? How? Lately the highs wont come down, they just stay there they don’t move. Lows scare me more but are easier to handle for Justice. He comes right up! But with a high it takes hours on end, and in the mean time I start fearing DKA will develop, so we check sugar and ketones every 2 hours. But I still cant calm myself, cant think of anything else. My heart breaks every time I check his sugar, but it shatters everytime that reading is off. Over and Over and Over again.

I'm tired. I'm tired of people making light of type 1 diabetes. Its not juvenile its quite fucking mature if you ask me. It ain't going no where, its gonna grow up with him and be there with him every minute of everyday. And that KILLS me.

Today Justice will NOT come down from 278. He just wont. With boluses, site changes, higher basals, now we are moving onto syringe. I feel wiped out. I feel angry. Theres so much I feel that wont translate into words.

                            


I fucking hate diabetes



But even more I hate what it's done to my thought process.

I wrote this blog post a while ago and found it.

It's raw and had grammatical error everywhere, those are usually my best posts do here it goes....

Publish.

9 comments:

Insulin Princess said...

Hugs.

Jaimie said...

(((HUGS)))

Patrick McConnell said...

I can't comment on the trials and tribulations of being the parent of a child with diabetes... I will say that I complement you on your unwavering commitment to be a force of good in the health your son... keep up the good work... It matters...

Nikki of Our Diabetic Warrior said...

Praying for you sweet friend!

Anonymous said...

I think you need some perspective. I was diagnosed 30 years ago with T1D. I was 3. We still used beef/pork insulins, testing was something only done maybe twice a day (meters were still really new), and my A1C was regularly around 10. I am sure I skated the lines of DKA many times. I had seizures from lows. There were few protections in school or in other areas of life to prevent discrimination because I was a type 1 diabetic. There were no pumps, CGMs, or portable BG meters. My parents were told that I would probably be dead by the time I was 25. And if not dead, I'd be blind, am amputee, or in kidney failure.

That was 30 years ago. Despite all the dire predictions, I am STILL HERE. And I am shockingly healthy. I run marathons. I backpack through some of the toughest terrain in the world. I went to graduate school and have an excellent job. I am living a life that, in large part, is wonderful BECAUSE I have lived with type 1 diabetes. It always made me fight a little harder than everyone else, and I think made me quite a bit tougher.

Yes, it is hard. Yes, living with this disease can be immensely frustrating at times. BUT, we have so much now that I did not have growing up. We have pumps and CGMs and better insulin. And now, children like yours are, for the first time, given the prognosis that with proper care they will likely live a full life. That is amazing.

So when you get frustrated or angry, remember that all these frustrations aside, your child has opportunities that my parents literally dreamed of when I was a child. Your son's life is limitless and he is going to gain so much from having to live with this condition. Trust me.

Alexis Nicole said...

Anon I thank you for sharing and for your wonderful perspective.

I hope you look around and read more than one post of mine, as this was as I said a bad night,

I am thankful for all the technology we have, and the community I have gained through diabetes.

Not all days are like this, but when I am tired and having a bad night myself ( I have a few diagnoses of my own) sometimes I can get to a dark place,and venting helps me release and move on :)

I am thankful for everything we have that as you say you didn't as a child. On the same note seeing your child hurt, will pierce your heart and soul no matter how thankful we are.

Thanks for reading!

Scully said...

I fucking hate diabetes too.
hate doesn't even come close.

vent all you want, nobody is going anywhere.

thisiscaleb.com said...

What can I do, babe?

Sara said...

I had that time last week.

Nothing was working. Nothing. I reached out to the d-community and told them I was done with diabetes. That I was tired of trying. Their encouragement was the ONLY thing that actually helped.

Celebrate With Us!