If you cant deal with someone venting or having a bad day, keep on. I am human and some days I break down. Today was one of them.
I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being scared. I'm tired of feeling anxious. I'm tired of not letting my kids be kids. I'm tired of not being a just a wife. I'm tired of not being just a mother. Im an axious mother and anxious wife. I'm tired of not being able to sleep. I'm tired of when I do sleep I dream of the what ifs and what nots. I'm tired of seeing my children hurt. I'm tired of wondering whats going to happen. I'm tired of feeling helpless. I'm tired of the highs. I'm tired of the lows. I'm tired of Diabetes.
Every day is filled with the same thoughts, and feelings. I'm consumed by it. Ive lost sight of everything else. I know there is more to life than this, but how do I go about living normally when I fear the life of the most precious thing to me. I have so much love in me to give, so many smiles to share, so much laughter and joy to spread. I feel like Ive forgotten how. I am a wife, a sister, a daughter, a friend, a woman. Aren't i? I am more than a external pancreas am I not?
How do I stay calm? How do I not get flustered and cry in the bathroom at work? How? Lately the highs wont come down, they just stay there they don’t move. Lows scare me more but are easier to handle for Justice. He comes right up! But with a high it takes hours on end, and in the mean time I start fearing DKA will develop, so we check sugar and ketones every 2 hours. But I still cant calm myself, cant think of anything else. My heart breaks every time I check his sugar, but it shatters everytime that reading is off. Over and Over and Over again.
I'm tired. I'm tired of people making light of type 1 diabetes. Its not juvenile its quite fucking mature if you ask me. It ain't going no where, its gonna grow up with him and be there with him every minute of everyday. And that KILLS me.
Today Justice will NOT come down from 278. He just wont. With boluses, site changes, higher basals, now we are moving onto syringe. I feel wiped out. I feel angry. Theres so much I feel that wont translate into words.
I fucking hate diabetes
But even more I hate what it's done to my thought process.
I wrote this blog post a while ago and found it.
It's raw and had grammatical error everywhere, those are usually my best posts do here it goes....