Wednesday, August 15, 2012

That Place.


Maybe writing it out will help?

Maybe taking a break from online will help?

Maybe deleting Google from my phone will help?

Discussing it with friends?

Baths?

Swimming?

Massages?

Breathing exercises?

80’s music.

A pint of ice cream?

Yea I have tried a lot of shit. Nothing really helps. I am in a bad place. Mentally and physically.

Diabetes is being a piece of motherfucking shit. Sorry folks but it had to be said.

Low. Low. Low. We are talking about changing basals, ISFs, and carb ratios at least 5x. CDE said she is stuck too, I did everything she would have suggested. This happens about once a year. Unexplained lows. I think its another form of a growth spurt. Normally we get highs with growth but who knows.

I did a minus 40% basal last night and of course he woke up at 300. My kids body needs a break. Five 50’s in one day? And never coming over 100 or staying there for long? I cannot imagine. Today was the first day we didn't have a low so I am rejoicing!

It has caused me lack of sleep. I feel like a shit for even complaining about sleep when he is going through all he is.

The problem with no sleep or lack of for me is not being physically tired (although that sucks!!) but what it does to me mentally.

Exhaustion is a key component in my anxiety & hypochondria.

When I am tired I notice every little body ache or twitch and start to freak the FFFFFF out.

That is where I am right now.

I have been to the ER this week already and am now trying to get the cash to go to urgent care.

My mind is running wild and I cannot shut it off.

Someone said something a few weeks back about people with hypochondria (not their opinion  but societies), that “they want attention. They know they are ok …”.

That is the furthest thing from the truth let me tell you know.

As I sit and type fighting back tears.

We do NOT want attention, pity or anything similar.

We truly live in fear day to day of the what if’s.

For me I know the source of it. Yes, my hormone imbalance exacerbates it but I know why it is the way it is. Sadly, that doesn’t mean its that easy to be rid of it.

I worry about everything, and I worry about NOT worrying.

If I don’t worry, what if that is the time something is really wrong?

How do we differentiate?

We can’t.

So my mind never shuts off.

I am exhausted. I am drained. I am trying so hard to come out of it.

I am not writing this for pity or attention, but just in case you are wondering where I am. Why I am so quiet, or what anxiety really is and not what society says it is….

Now you know. 





6 comments:

Amanda said...

I think we all have anxiety and worry, some just have it worse. It's hard, I feel for you Alexis, I worry and have anxiety too, but it seems as if mine comes and goes. Not sure if it's me shutting it off or if it truly comes and goes. If it is me shutting it off, I certainly don't know how I manage it. Wish I had some advice to give you that would help. What I'm trying to say is that I'm sending you a big old virtual hug and saying to you hang in there! does that help? Maybe not. Sorry, wish there was more I could say....Stupid Diabetes and everything else!

Jessica said...

Your place is my place too, and I know. I know. Hugs. You can do this. I know it's a lot right now, but you will find a way out of this spiral. Break the cycle of thinking. Distract yourself. Breathe. Take it one minute at a time. See a doctor if you need to. Often, it is the best help to just know that you are okay. Love you girl.

Joanne said...

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this. I wish I had the right words, or could do something to help. Just know that even though I am hundreds of miles away, you are in my thoughts and prayers. I hope it all turns around for you ASAP. Love you girl.

And if there is anything I can do from all these miles away, please ask.

Wendy Rose said...

Oh, my friend.

Getting out of your brain...into your heart...it's so hard. I understand.

You're doing a great job, Alexis. Your boys are amazing, happy, well-adjusted kids...they're loving, kind, thoughtful, tender-hearted, and considerate...because they have a mommy and a daddy who have taught them all of those things.

In these moments of worry and anxiety, stop and tell yourself something positive. Tell yourself that people love you. Tell yourself that people love you, even if you aren't perfect.

I'm so sorry you're in a rough patch, sweet friend.

Just know you're never alone.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Sorry to hear that things have been so rough Alexis.

Sending you all sorts of love and energy!

Unknown said...

Seriously, WTH, I could have written this myself. You are not alone. I was just at my doctor's yesterday. The symptoms are real; the palpitations, the heaviness in the chest, shortness of breath, the utter exhaustion. The girls in the office made me feel a little less crazy when they said it's no more my fault that this is happening than it is that my son got diabetes. I'm just trying to roll with it as best I can, fight off each low and continue on to the next minute. Yes, I'm breaking my days down into minutes. You'll come out the other side; it's waiting to get there that is so frustrating.

Celebrate With Us!