I can do this.
I am trying anyway.
Sometimes I need to to hide out, away from the blogs, tweets and Facebook updates that are just too much for me to handle.
Sounds awful I know, I am sorry.
Anxiety and phobia is real and for me that means I internalize other people's illness, loss and struggles.
I try to be there for every heartache, every virtual hug needed and every rough patch but I have realized I am neglecting someone.
I am not mentally healthy enough to handle it all.
I can try and I do, but then I come crashing down a few weeks later and I have this past month.
Constant worry, constant fear, tears and frustration. Symptoms that aren't real making me fearful every moment of everyday. I have had to limit my time online to stay away from Google...
I feel weak for having to take a break, even guilty. I feel like I have you down.
And that is the hardest part of all this for me.
My friends mean EVERYTHING to me.
Even if we haven't met when I say I love you I mean it, with all of me.
Those who know me well know I always give my all and I am not content with anything less.
I lost my job, and that is scary enough. We are trying to live on one income that is just not enough. Anxiety and panic is at an all time high. There are days my closet seems like the safest place for me to just sit and be.
Sheltered from reality and all that I fear.
But I am trying to not let it overpower me more than it already has.
I am trying to use the time home ( besides looking for something bigger and better!) to help others.
Volunteer work, mentoring newly diagnosed families and working on my soon to launch D project.
It feels good, I know I am helping others in the way I CAN right now.
I feel guilty for not being there for all of you as I normally am.
I need to be a better me, a healthier me.
Not just for me but for my kids, and yes you.
I'm a work in progress and I refuse to give up.
Just know I love you all and I am always here...