Wednesday, September 26, 2012

Baby Steps....

Deep breath.

I can do this.

I can.

I am trying anyway.

Sometimes I need to to hide out, away from the blogs, tweets and Facebook updates that are just too much for me to handle.

Sounds awful I know, I am sorry.

Anxiety and phobia is real and for me that means I internalize other people's illness, loss and struggles.

I try to be there for every heartache, every virtual hug needed and every rough patch but I have realized I am neglecting someone.

ME.

I am not mentally healthy enough to handle it all.

I can try and I do, but then I come crashing down a few weeks later and I have this past month.

Constant worry, constant fear, tears and frustration. Symptoms that aren't real making me fearful every moment of everyday. I have had to limit my time online to stay away from Google...

I feel weak for having to take a break, even guilty. I feel like I have you down.

And that is the hardest part of all this for me.

My friends mean EVERYTHING to me.

Even if we haven't met when I say I love you I mean it, with all of me.

Those who know me well know I always give my all and I am not content with anything less.

But...

I lost my job, and that is scary enough. We are trying to live on one income that is just not enough. Anxiety and panic is at an all time high. There are days my closet seems like the safest place for me to just sit and be.

Sheltered from reality and all that I fear.

But I am trying to not let it overpower me more than it already has.


I am trying to use the time home ( besides looking for something bigger and better!) to help others.

Volunteer work, mentoring newly diagnosed families and working on my soon to launch D project.

It feels good, I know I am helping others in the way I CAN right now.

I feel guilty for not being there for all of you as I normally am.

I need to be a better me, a healthier me.

Not just for me but for my kids, and yes you.

I'm a work in progress and I refuse to give up.

Just know I love you all and I am always here...


Always.

10 comments:

Nicole said...

You MUST take care of YOU!! We understand and will be here when you are strong enough to come back to us. I miss you and wish there was something that I could do to help you feel just a little better. LOVE YOU and take care of you xoxox

Amanda said...

Everyone needs a break now and then, don't feel weak. We need to take care of ourselves too. Good luck on your new upcoming project.

Lora said...

I'm with Nic.. you have to take care of you. No need to worry about us, we will be here when you get back. I can't wait to hear all about the new project. Love ya twin.

Denise aka Mom of Bean said...

As hard as it is to do, we HAVE to make sure we are getting the care we need! Know that we all understand that you need your time for YOU and are sending love and hugs your way!

Kelly said...

I was wondering where you have been, and worried! I just knew you needed to step back with everything going on at home, and out THERE.

I hear ya girly...INTERNALIZING is some serious stuff. I know. ((HUGS)) Take some serious time for YOU!!!

Joanne said...

Take care of yourself... You are such an amazing cheerleader for the rest of us, but you also need to be cheered for.

Hugs!

Reyna said...

We know you are here for all of us Lex. Take care of you.

xo

Scott K. Johnson said...

Oh sheesh Lex, don't worry about US! How can we help YOU?!

You hang in there, everything will work out.

Anonymous said...

Everything will work out. You will find another job.... hopefully, a better, more flexible one. You have to concentrate on yourself now. You cannot help others to the point where you are draining your own energy. Sounds like you are doing quite a lot already.

Sara said...

If you don't take care of yourself first you will have nothing to give to anyone else. Make yourself a priority!

Celebrate With Us!