I used to cry a lot.
Highs, lows, bad sites, every now and then they just get overwhelming and I break down.
But it hasn't happened in months, I am happy to say that. Yet sad as well, as it seems I am almost numbed by this disease now.
It's become our normal which is good but still heartbreaking to a degree.
But I've been, we have been, pushing through. Doing what's needed and moving on.
Not giving diabetes more attention than it needs,what I mean by that is we test, we count carbs, we bolus, change sites
; ya know everything we need to do. But we don't spend time dwelling on the why, if and when's of it like we used to.
I think it has helped us all.
I went to check Js sugar after a bad site, he was 176 with just enough iob to bring him down where I want him.
And then I saw it.
2 of them so badly calloused and black from where he pricks them.
He refuses to do the sides of his fingers, he argues about using both hands, and at school I can't control it.
So the damage is right there, so obvious.
I held his hands and wept.
I blame myself for not changing the lancets every time he tests or even every day or week most times.
I used to be so good about changing it daily and then he took over more responsibility and I failed at ensuring it got done.
And now the damage is there.
I almost posted a pic but my heart hurts too much from pain of seeing my babies battered fingers and the guilt of feeling like its my fault.
Those two damn fingers that he just won't give a break.
I cleaned them, I rubbed some neosporin on them put band aids.
I'm determined to fix it.
But I feel defeated.
I feel angry right now that my 10 year olds fingers are rougher than mine.
That this disease isn't as invisible as people say it is.
That I somehow fucked up the easiest of all the diabetes tasks we have to do.
Change the lancet!!!! That's it.
Would it have helped?
I don't know really, they change it daily at school which is where most of his checks take place now and still here we are.
I feel suddenly lost, helpless and back to where I was a year ago.
In 3 days it will mark 4 years of type 1 for Justice.
And his fingers are hurting.
What will another 4 do to them?
Will he be able to use them?
What's the damage from something like this?
I don't know.
I don't want to ever find out.
I just want to fix it.
All of it.
Tonight, that's why I cried.