Friday, October 19, 2012

Why I Cried...

I used to cry a lot.

Highs, lows, bad sites, every now and then they just get overwhelming and I break down.

But it hasn't happened in months, I am happy to say that. Yet sad as well, as it seems I am almost numbed by this disease now.

It's become our normal which is good but still heartbreaking to a degree.

But I've been, we have been, pushing through. Doing what's needed and moving on.

Not giving diabetes more attention than it needs,what I mean by that is we test, we count carbs, we bolus, change sites
; ya know everything we need to do. But we don't spend time dwelling on the why, if and when's of it like we used to.

I think it has helped us all.

Until tonight.

I went to check Js sugar after a bad site, he was 176 with just enough iob to bring him down where I want him.

And then I saw it.

His fingers.

2 of them so badly calloused and black from where he pricks them.

He refuses to do the sides of his fingers, he argues about using both hands, and at school I can't control it.

So the damage is right there, so obvious.

I held his hands and wept.

I blame myself for not changing the lancets every time he tests or even every day or week most times.

I used to be so good about changing it daily and then he took over more responsibility and I failed at ensuring it got done.

And now the damage is there.

I almost posted a pic but my heart hurts too much from pain of seeing my babies battered fingers and the guilt of feeling like its my fault.

Those two damn fingers that he just won't give a break.

I cleaned them, I rubbed some neosporin on them put band aids.

I'm determined to fix it.

But I feel defeated.

I feel angry right now that my 10 year olds fingers are rougher than mine.

That this disease isn't as invisible as people say it is.

That I somehow fucked up the easiest of all the diabetes tasks we have to do.

Change the lancet!!!! That's it.

Would it have helped?

I don't know really, they change it daily at school which is where most of his checks take place now and still here we are.

I feel suddenly lost, helpless and back to where I was a year ago.

In 3 days it will mark 4 years of type 1 for Justice.

4 years.

And his fingers are hurting.

What will another 4 do to them?

Another 40?

Will he be able to use them?

What's the damage from something like this?

I don't know.

I don't want to ever find out.

I just want to fix it.

All of it.

Tonight, that's why I cried.

9 comments:

Reyna said...

Awww Lex. Those dang fingers get me every time too. xo

Kelly said...

Its definetly the "little things" like the spotted fingers that get to me too :( Some days our hearts just cant handle it and we break down..I think thats a sign of being strong for too long! ((HUGS))

Brian said...

From personal experience - 28 years of testing myself...just answering your question of "Would it have helped?"

I don't think changing a lancet every time would prevent the fingertip injury. Don't stress.

I used to change lancets every time I tested for the first 22 years. My fingers were always sore, and for those 22 years I was not testing the 6+ times a day I do now. Back then - twice a day was normal. Even just testing once a day in the morning - urine testing was more common.

Sometime after my daughter was diagnosed six years ago at age seven - I stopped changing lancets every time. Less to worry about when out and about. And then you forget.

My fingers are still the same - no better, no worse. I think it might hurt a little more as the lancets get dull...but how much more hurt? It just plain hurts.

________________________________

Spreading the damage to more locations is what I think is important. I've only got six fingers that work for me (no to the thumb and pointer...) - so in two days - each side of each finger gets it once. Not enough time for complete healing, and some fingers still have too many dots to count.

Anonymous said...

I've been checking my BG for almost 31 years now. Back in the day, the drop of blood required for those old school meters was HUGE (had to be the size of a ladybug). The lancets REALLY hurt back then. But despite all this testing and the callouses on my fingers, I can't say I've suffered any long-term damage from all the testing. Maybe my finger tips have a slight loss of sensation, but nothing to write home about. I don't change my lancet very often (still on the same box that I bought back in 2006 or so). Be thankful that you have the tools to check your child's BG and that all this checking means that he will likely lead a pretty healthy life in spite of diabetes. There are still places in the world where the luxury of testing one's BG is not yet available! And remember that many of us walking around survived the dark ages of diabetes management and turned out just fine.

Elizabeth said...

Love you and Justice! 20 years in, and my fingers aren't too bad. I moisturize. I know, I know, theres no way in hell you're going to be able to convince a 10 year old male child to moisturize. Maybe do it after hes asleep? And ask him to please please pretty please change up his fingers? I use every finger but my thumb, but I don't use my pointer finger as often because I just think it hurts more (anyone else think so?) but so far, so good. Bath and Body Works has some great man scents. Tell him the chicks will dig it ;)

Nikki of Our Diabetic Warrior said...

Sweet Lexi, don't stress! Andrew changes his lancet every time and still gets those stubborn marks.

I will say though, our endo. last time (who happens to be diabetic) mentioned about Andrew's marks. He only uses 2 fingers as well. The doctor told him to make sure he tries his best to use the rest of his fingers and use the outline of a rainbow around the finger instead of the pad.

He speaks through experience because he had one of the pads get infected and had to get it operated on. Not that this will happen to everyone, but it's a good thing to keep in mind.

Andrew has gotten better since that conversation, but I do see him still trying to poke the pad part of the finger. UUGGGHHH!

Hang in there girlfriend! HUGS

sky0138 said...

ahh the fingers :( they make me sad..especially seeing them after Emma gets out of the bath...all of the tiny holes. You are amazing Alexis and I could feel the strength behind your words when you described cleaning them, fixing them....you are the best <3

Dave Hennesey said...

someone once told me you can't sweat the small stuff, and let me tell you the two finger thing is small stuff. I know it doesn't seem that way now but I was 13 when diagnosed and am now 38 and I still to this day use the same 2 fingers and they look like hell after testing 10 times a day for 25 years, you would think they would be an inch shorter but they look the same today ans they did then with the blood staind crusty sores. Those two fingers are just his character coming out and makes him who he is. Take that picture you have of them now and in 20 years take the same picture and he will have the same "character."

Sara said...

No matter what lancet he uses and how often he rotates fingers, he WILL have those stupid black spots. Diabetes sucks.

I'm not sure if he is too old for it or if it will do any good, but can you make some sort of reward chart? Like he gets a check mark every time he uses a different finger and a certain amount of check marks earns him a prize? What motivates a pre-teen boy? I have no idea! :P

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