Monday, February 4, 2013

Dark, Cold and Lonely. #ManicMondays

I always say I hate diabetes, how it's the worst thing in the world, how it takes away my joy some days and sleep.

But I have to be honest, and lynch me if you like but one thing I always will do is keep it real on my blog.

Anxiety and hypochondria is worse.

For me it is.

I see J have a low or a high, and he treats/corrects and moves on. He doesn't dwell, or worry about what it will do to him, or if it will happen again. I have even learned to treat, correct, and move on. Shit, I still worry, I am a mom, but I can turn it off.

He is so strong, I wish I was more like him.

I can't move on. I can't stop thinking or dwelling. I can't not worry, not panic, not think is this serious, am I dying, am I really sick?

I can't sleep, I don't want to eat, I can't keep off of Google when it's like this.

It starts with a symptom that apparently many others have, then I google and find it can be something possibly serious, them said symptom doesn't stop , it gets worse.

I've been stuck here for 3 days, funny thing was I had a photo shoot yesterday and for the whole hour and half, I felt great, no pains, no anxiety, no symptoms, nothing.

My mind was distracted I guess enough for all the pains and symptoms to just disappear.

But as soon as things are back to normal routine, it starts up again.

I can't enjoy everyday pleasures, or just relax with my boys when I am like this.

I feel exhausted, mentally, physically and emotionally.

I fear tomorrow so much, I can't even enjoy today.

If it wasn't for my husband, and some good friends I would honestly lose it.

I think it's that time again, where I take a break from Internet world and try and find my balance. I've started back on B vitamins and other minerals I'm deficient in which trigger my attacks.

I'm losing myself again, getting lost, swallowed up, and falling down a spiral that I've seen too many times.


I need to dig myself out, some how.

7 comments:

Kelly said...

I can relate, though Im sure not to the same extreme that you endure. I feel for you, and I hope you can find relief soon!!

Princess LadyBug said...

*hands you a shovel & ties a safety rope around your waist* You start digging yourself out & just in case you fall deeper those of us that love you will use the rope to pull you back up & into yourself.

I know therapy is probably out of the question due to money, but what about some yoga or just the breathing exercises for it. I'm sure we can find someone in the DOC with a spare yoga DVD they'd love to share. Or hell when my tax money comes in, I'll buy you one.

And just remember that you'll never be so lost that we can't find you. Love is a beacon guiding us to you. It never fails. Promise. Love you!!!

Mike Hoskins said...

Where do I need to be, with a shovel? Point me in the direction and I'm there.

Can't imagine what it's like feeling like that all the time, Lexi, but - even as cliche as it might be now - know that you can do this. One step at a time. Realizing that you're stuck and feeling paralyzed is the first step, and sharing it like this is probably another very healthy thing to get it off your chest.

Do what you need to take care of yourself and your family first. We'll all be here, in whatever way you need us. Holding our shovels and waiting to help you dig out, when the time arrives.

Hugs, and best your way!

Jess said...

I am so sorry you're feeling this way. I know what it's like to be buried in sludge, unable to dig your way out. But know that we are with you. We will dig and pull and fight to get you out. You are never alone.

Love you!

Mike Durbin said...

Have shovel, will help you dig out. You're not SOL and JWF. We're here for you. Hang in there.

Lots of love!

Rhonda M. Weigandt said...

Depression,anxiety,and stress can be crippling.I will say a prayer for you.

Scott K. Johnson said...

Hang in there, A! We're all here pulling for you!

Celebrate With Us!