I can't get his sugar down. I can for a moment and then it's back up.
Let me explain some of the bullshit variables we had this week, shall I?
TWO bad pumps. No you read that right, TWO. Our pump had an issue, and it's replacement was faulty too.
So that alone was the cause of 200-300bgs for 2 days, then bring on the MDI for 3 days.
More highs. J has 20 basal rates through the day, with exact, and precise doses that take me nights and days of calculating and no sleep to work out.
So the shots was a mess.
But yay, we are back on the pump. New one arrived yesterday, and guess what!?
BG WON'T BUDGE.
I have never seen this. His 7 day average jumped 70 points, from its usual comfy, safe number. New insulin, new sites, new basal, plus 70 temp basals - NOTHING. He's annoyed, I'm frustrated and this is bullshit.
More than the numbers, and fear of a crappy A1C, I am sitting here thinking about his precious organs.
His beautiful eyes, his sweet heart, his liver, kidneys, and everything else that keeps my wonderful boy alive & well.
I am sitting here feeling like a complete and utter failure, at what I cannot fix.
I am worried about his future years, what role this will play, how bad is this affecting him, how am I going to ensure that he remains healthy through it all?
I am watching my brothers & S play, and eat as they wish and I am angry that I even have to worry about this, for my 10 year old son.
I'm gonna say it, it's not fair.
He shouldn't have to worry about any of this, no parent should fear about their children's health with every meal, activity and growth spurt. It's draining, it's angering, it's bullshit.
5 years, we have been doing this. 5 years in October, and just when I think I have it mastered, something like this happens and I feel D-Feated.
The only comfort I have right now, is knowing I am not alone in my journey and struggle.
But that makes it hurt more as well. I hate knowing others are feeling the pain that I do, from all of it.
This disease sneaks up on you. It attacks you when you least expect it and just when you think you got that sucker in a secure choke hold, it kicks you in the stomach and sucks the air out of you.
Today is one of those days.
It's why I still cry.
And I think it's impossible to never not cry again.
For as long as diabetes is a "still" so are my tears.
It doesn't mean I am not strong, it just means I am human, more than that, I'm his mommy.