Thursday, August 8, 2013

Crying Together

3 years ago, my amazing friend Laura (Houston We Have A Problem, check her blog out if you haven't), wrote a blog about why she still cries. Why this disease is bullshit. Today she reposted it, and at a time, and day where it resonated with me, as much as it did the first time I read it.

I can't get his sugar down. I can for a moment and then it's back up.

Let me explain some of the bullshit variables we had this week, shall I?

TWO bad pumps. No you read that right, TWO. Our pump had an issue, and it's replacement was faulty too. 

So that alone was the cause of 200-300bgs for 2 days, then bring on the MDI for 3 days.

More highs. J has 20 basal rates through the day, with exact, and precise doses that take me nights and days of calculating and no sleep to work out.

So the shots was a mess.

But yay, we are back on the pump. New one arrived yesterday, and guess what!?


I have never seen this. His 7 day average jumped 70 points, from its usual comfy, safe number. New insulin, new sites, new basal, plus 70 temp basals - NOTHING. He's annoyed, I'm frustrated and this is bullshit.

More than the numbers, and fear of a crappy A1C, I am sitting here thinking about his precious organs.

His beautiful eyes, his sweet heart, his liver, kidneys, and everything else that keeps my wonderful boy alive & well.

I am sitting here feeling like a complete and utter failure, at what I cannot fix.

I am worried about his future years, what role this will play, how bad is this affecting him, how am I going to ensure that he remains healthy through it all?

I am watching my brothers & S play, and eat as they wish and I am angry that I even have to worry about this, for my 10 year old son. 

I'm gonna say it, it's not fair.

It's not.

He shouldn't have to worry about any of this, no parent should fear about their children's health with every meal, activity and growth spurt. It's draining, it's angering, it's bullshit.

5 years, we have been doing this. 5 years in October, and just when I think I have it mastered, something like this happens and I feel D-Feated.

The only comfort I have right now, is knowing I am not alone in my journey and struggle.

But that makes it hurt more as well. I hate knowing others are feeling the pain that I do, from all of it.

This disease sneaks up on you. It attacks you when you least expect it and just when you think you got that sucker in a secure choke hold, it kicks you in the stomach and sucks the air out of you.

Today is one of those days. 

It's why I still cry.

And I think it's impossible to never not cry again.

For as long as diabetes is a "still" so are my tears.

It doesn't mean I am not strong, it just means I am human, more than that, I'm his mommy. 


Joanne said...

HUGS... Sorry diabetes is being a total beyotch. Same-same here too. Be strong, Mama!

Denise aka Mom of Bean said...

no matter how long we do this, there are times that it seems like it's winning.
know that you have fighters standing with you and you will get through it!
sending big, big hugs!!

Our Diabetic Warrior said...

Hang in there sweet friends! We've been having our major ups and downs too. I think Andrew's growing like a weed. I've been forwamed with blood sugar highs when they start growing, especially boys. HUGS!!!!!

Karen said...

I hate this. I love you. And I'm crying with you too.

Anonymous said...

Hang in there! Starting age 12 and up to age 15 for our girl -- I'm sure the time period is longer for boys -- puberty and teen growth hormones kick in. We experienced highs even our endo did not think was normal. Basically, we cranked her basals up to close to 3 units an hour from 7pm until 3 am, then they went down to a more normal range. Correction factor was also adjusted drastically. Dangerous to sleep while making these kinds of adjustments so keep the coffee pot on. Nothing can prepare you for these dosing adjustments. You will have to adjust drastically and check every hour and a half. Eventually you will find what usually works. Boys don't have the monthly hormones girls have but they also don't reach adult height until much later.

Celebrate With Us!