Sunday, August 4, 2013

I miss it.

Family is in town, the excitement and joy of seeing my mom and siblings is beyond words, for the boys too.

I expected pinsanity, bickering, fighting and loads of chaos with 4 boys under 14 in the house, but I wasn't prepared for everything else. 

I am watching my brothers, who are my boys age, just eating, sleeping, playing with no worries, no concerns or hesitation. Just doing what they want as they want. I see my mom not worried about sleeping, not counting carbs, or worried about hours of swimming without a stop for snack or some insulin.

And THANK G-D. I would never want them to experience any of this, none of it.

But I'm jealous, I guess. 

I don't have days like this often, but when surrounded by "others", it stings. 

Hallie, just talked about this, and because she's one of the most amazing friends a girl could have, she shared my feelings too. 

Tonight, I need to get some words out as well. 

I am missing IT. 

I miss not having to worry about the simple things we took for granted, before 2008.

I miss my son playing without a worry, or interruption.

I miss sleeping, without fear.

I miss not knowing what ketones are.

I miss not seeing my child bleed countless times a day.

I miss not having to pierce my sons skin.

I miss not being the "special ones" in the group.

I miss not being watched and stared at.

I miss numbers. Like regular numbers. Not carbs, ketones, bgs, or units of insulin primed.

I miss my sons unscarred skin.

I miss my worst worry being Justice playing too wild and hurting HIMSELF.

I miss part of who I lost after my baby was diagnosed. 

I miss part of what my baby lost after he was diagnosed, and my husband and my youngest. 

I miss just being without diabetes.

For all of us.

I feel guilty writing this, as I am not the one living with it, and Justice will have this disease, its responsibilities, and its bullshit, longer than I will, but it's how I'm feeling.

I think I've always missed it, but at this moment, missing has turned to longing, & wanting more than anything.

 (Cali vacation just 8 weeks before dx)


Dolores said...

I am right with you ... ((hugs))

Carrie Drissi said...

I understand, for your words truly touched home with me! We T1D Moms are special and just like we will never know what it is truly like to HAVE diabetes, only we know what it is like to have a child with diabetes. We are selfless, compassionate, patient and we have oversee ignorance and prejudice. Please remember you are never alone. Just like our boys, Us T1D Moms are a strong breed and we stand together!! Hugs to you xo

Jenn said...

I am also right there with you.

Lora said...

I get this way around the holidays. All the parties and all day eat fests... I watch the kids running around, grabbing cookies and handfuls of red and green candy without a care... and there is Justin, testing and counting and mama watching him like a hawk for signs. I just miss the free-ness of it all.

It sucks, but we rock sooo we can do it.

Hallie Addington said...

I get it.

She doesn't know anything else. She was only three. Just three and one month. So I don't really know what it's like to have a child diabetes anymore than she knows what it like to live without it.

It still stings when I see the "others" and how easy the simplest things are for them.

I don't know how to make it better. Although knowing I'm not alone does help!!

Celebrate With Us!