Family is in town, the excitement and joy of seeing my mom and siblings is beyond words, for the boys too.
I expected pinsanity, bickering, fighting and loads of chaos with 4 boys under 14 in the house, but I wasn't prepared for everything else.
I am watching my brothers, who are my boys age, just eating, sleeping, playing with no worries, no concerns or hesitation. Just doing what they want as they want. I see my mom not worried about sleeping, not counting carbs, or worried about hours of swimming without a stop for snack or some insulin.
And THANK G-D. I would never want them to experience any of this, none of it.
But I'm jealous, I guess.
I don't have days like this often, but when surrounded by "others", it stings.
Hallie, just talked about this, and because she's one of the most amazing friends a girl could have, she shared my feelings too.
Tonight, I need to get some words out as well.
I am missing IT.
I miss not having to worry about the simple things we took for granted, before 2008.
I miss my son playing without a worry, or interruption.
I miss sleeping, without fear.
I miss not knowing what ketones are.
I miss not seeing my child bleed countless times a day.
I miss not having to pierce my sons skin.
I miss not being the "special ones" in the group.
I miss not being watched and stared at.
I miss numbers. Like regular numbers. Not carbs, ketones, bgs, or units of insulin primed.
I miss my sons unscarred skin.
I miss my worst worry being Justice playing too wild and hurting HIMSELF.
I miss part of who I lost after my baby was diagnosed.
I miss part of what my baby lost after he was diagnosed, and my husband and my youngest.
I miss just being without diabetes.
For all of us.
I feel guilty writing this, as I am not the one living with it, and Justice will have this disease, its responsibilities, and its bullshit, longer than I will, but it's how I'm feeling.
I think I've always missed it, but at this moment, missing has turned to longing, & wanting more than anything.