Tuesday, May 13, 2014

#Dblog Day 3 - Letting It Out

May is Mental Health Month so now seems like a great time to explore the emotional side of living with, or caring for someone with, diabetes. What things can make dealing with diabetes an emotional issue for you and / or your loved one, and how do you cope? (Thanks go out to Scott of Strangely Diabetic for coordinating this topic).

As a mom of a child with diabetes I sometimes feel guilty for saying the following things. Truth be told, diabetes IS a family disease. It affects all of us emotionally and sometimes that carries on to physically.

I think of how J will have this disease forever, and have to deal with both the physical and emotional aspect of D, and I feel awful for even thinking "I've got it hard", somedays.

Today though, I'm going to be honest and share how I feel sometimes, no guilt just honesty.

 I'm tired. All the time. I forgot what it's like to sleep through the night without either checking a Dexcom, blood sugar, feeding a low or correcting a high. Even when bgs are in range, I wake to check dex and ensure things stay that way.

After 5 years of "not real sleep", it has taken a toll on my body and mind. My anxiety is worse when J has a bad night, horrific thoughts and scenarios fill my head and I find myself thinking of all the other awful things can that can possibly go wrong. I worry about losing him, I worry about future complications and how I find that balance in between of healthy but still a kid. I worry about Synsyre, will he be diagnosed? Why is he thirsty? Am I missing something like I did with J? Wait, what about other disease aside from D? Do I have a symtoms of X? Is hubby showing signs of Y? When J was diagnosed he was healthy and thriving and passed his annual doctors appointment, just weeks before with flying colors. If he can go into DKA that fast and being diagnosed with a chronic illness, how do I know that won't happen again? Or worse? 

 I worry that I'm failing as a mother, because somedays the exhaustion is more obvious than the real Alexis.  I work full time, I also have my own autoimmune issues, that are exacerbated by lack of sleep. Somedays all I can do is the bare necessities, because I just don't have it in me to do more.

Sometimes, I feel like diabetes has stolen my mojo, and robbed my kids of the fun, healthy, energetic mom, they once had.

But we can't go back, so all I can do is stay postive, focused and move forward.


Alyson Cheatham said...

This post made me weepy! I am 5 months into my son's T1 Diagnosis. I so hear you with the exhaustion. This is wonderfully written and I connected with the emotion behind your writing. Thank you for speaking and not feeling guilty, you have a right to talk about how you feel, being a caregiver is so difficult, I don't know how you do it with autoimmune setbacks yourself! Your a great mom, keep up the great work!

Anonymous said...

Hi, I am going through those worries and fears right now, as my son was diagnosed only about 4 months. It is hard to accept that he will have to deal with diabetes for the rest of his life. Until maybe there's a cure. I myself has thyroid issue (hyperthyroidism and my husband is type 2 diabetic) Sometime I felt life is unfair and hard. We are just simple and happy family until diabetes came into our lives. They say it will become easier as the time goes by, but I guess the only thing that gets easier is the managing of this disease because you will get to used to it. counting carbs, giving shots, finger pokes. But the truth is coming to terms is impossible knowing that your dear child/children will have to deal with it their whole lives.

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