As a mom of a child with diabetes I sometimes feel guilty for saying the following things. Truth be told, diabetes IS a family disease. It affects all of us emotionally and sometimes that carries on to physically.
I think of how J will have this disease forever, and have to deal with both the physical and emotional aspect of D, and I feel awful for even thinking "I've got it hard", somedays.
Today though, I'm going to be honest and share how I feel sometimes, no guilt just honesty.
I'm tired. All the time. I forgot what it's like to sleep through the night without either checking a Dexcom, blood sugar, feeding a low or correcting a high. Even when bgs are in range, I wake to check dex and ensure things stay that way.
After 5 years of "not real sleep", it has taken a toll on my body and mind. My anxiety is worse when J has a bad night, horrific thoughts and scenarios fill my head and I find myself thinking of all the other awful things can that can possibly go wrong. I worry about losing him, I worry about future complications and how I find that balance in between of healthy but still a kid. I worry about Synsyre, will he be diagnosed? Why is he thirsty? Am I missing something like I did with J? Wait, what about other disease aside from D? Do I have a symtoms of X? Is hubby showing signs of Y? When J was diagnosed he was healthy and thriving and passed his annual doctors appointment, just weeks before with flying colors. If he can go into DKA that fast and being diagnosed with a chronic illness, how do I know that won't happen again? Or worse?
I worry that I'm failing as a mother, because somedays the exhaustion is more obvious than the real Alexis. I work full time, I also have my own autoimmune issues, that are exacerbated by lack of sleep. Somedays all I can do is the bare necessities, because I just don't have it in me to do more.
Sometimes, I feel like diabetes has stolen my mojo, and robbed my kids of the fun, healthy, energetic mom, they once had.
But we can't go back, so all I can do is stay postive, focused and move forward.